2010: The "Epic" Year of New Beginnings - 2011: Reflection and Reevaluation

When I jokingly stated last New Years Day how "Epic" 2010 was going to be, I had no idea just how correct that statement was. This past year brought some new friends, a new house, a new career, a new part-time job, a new car (unintentionally), and, most importantly, a new husband! I'd say that's definitely epic...at least for me.

2010 had it's ups and downs, it's trials and triumphs, and it's fair share of stressors. Looking back, the last 365 days have brought more good to my life than I ever imagined possible in such a short period of time. However, all these new beginnings have also made me more aware of some excess in my life - some things that are holding me back from reaching full potential. Some of these "things" are relationships and others are habits. I'll write a post later about unhealthy relationships, but let me be brief right now and say that, this year, I have become more aware of some relationships that, more often than not, cause me to doubt myself, question my personality, and just plain bring me down. Those relationships need to stop eating both my time and my energy. While I'm not particularly fond of just cutting people off, I am a proponent of discontinuing the expectations on my side of the table. If people change and come back around and want to revisit the relationship, that's one thing, but I will cease expending the energy to keep the relationship going by myself. It's not healthy, it's not right, and it's not real friendship.

Part of the reason I've accumulated some of these relationships stems from my lack of true friendship since moving to the East Coast just over 5 years ago. I grew so tired of being alone and friendless that I often grasped on to anything disguising itself as friendship and held on with an iron grip. This has happened to me at least a few times, but it became much more obvious this year. In the past, I have settled; instead of seeking out people I admired, respected, and truly wanted as a big part of my life, I befriended people who seemed to like me and were willing to hang out on a semi-regular basis. While I realize that this is how most friendships (and romantic relationships) start, there comes a crucial point where I need to make a decision of just how far I want this to go. I don't take friendship lightly - I go deep. And because I'm such a trusting person, it usually doesn't take me very long to go deep. While this can be a very good thing, it is also what causes me to get hurt, usually very badly. If someone barely knows me and rejects me, that's one thing. If someone knows me on a pretty deep level and rejects me, that's a major blow! (Side note: my husband has a great perspective on this; he let's people in and gives them the benefit of the doubt only until a certain level. Then, once that individual has proven himself, he opens up, goes deeper, and begins a true friendship. Acquaintances, then friends. I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot from him.)

With all that in mind, here is a summary of the primary lesson I learned regarding friendships in 2010.

All relationships are based on or centered around something. Some friendships revolve around whining about boys. As I look back on many of my high school/college relationships, this was the common denominator I had with a good chunk of my girlfriends - we whined about boys: those we were dating, those we wanted to date, and those we could not believe were dating that other girl! Another chunk of my friendships revolved around school - having the same majors, the same classes, the same activities; that's how we met, that's how we connected, and that's why we stayed friends. And more recently, a big chunk of my friendships have revolved around work (which is basically the grown-up version of school). I met and bonded with people who were in the same office, the same profession, or the same building. Again, that's why we stay friends. In ALL of these situations, the minute I take away that common denominator - bad boys, school, extracurricular activities, or work - the relationship is put to the test. This is when most of the relationships fizzle, and become merely acquaintanceship or, in worse situations, toxic. For some reason, this didn't occur to me on the deep "a-ha!" level until this year. Some of these friendships will last, because the connection goes beyond that largest common denominator, but many won't and don't. In short, I finally figured out the meaning of a line in the song "Wear Sunscreen" by Baz Luhrman: "friends come and go, but to a precious few you should hold on".

And now for the other part of my life which needs to be severely reevaluated this year - my habits. I won't go into too much detail here, as I've chronicled a good majority of these habits in past blog posts: lack of passion, laziness/procrastination, comparison, jealousy, poor stress-management, time-wasting, and poor health choices to name a few. Though I've been dealing with (or attempting to deal with) many of these issues for as long as I can remember, I've learned a LOT about myself in the past few years. Additionally, as much as I wanted to make some changes during this past year, it was not possible with all the input I had coming at me. There is only so much reflection and reevaluation that can happen while planning a wedding, buying a house, starting a new job, etc. But I am determined to make this year one in which I slow down and really figure out what matters most in my life. Is it a better use of my time to peruse Facebook and see what others are up to, or work on my photography hobby? Is it better to spend quiet time with my new husband and strengthen our relationship, or watch another crappy show on MTV? Should I head to the gym or cook a healthy meal, or stay at work and get one more thing knocked off my to-do list? When my priorities are straight, I know the answers. When my priorities are out of whack, it's not quite as easy to make the right choice. So this year, it is my goal to continually make the right choices, and make these choices become habits. It's going to be a long road, and I'll mess up - probably a lot - and it won't happen in one year. But I'm determined to start down this path. I'm determined to be a better person. I'm determined to be my best self, to focus on what matters and reject (or at least minimize) what doesn't.

This year, I am thankful for a husband who will support me with this goal through thick and thin (he definitely prefers the Rachel who has her priorities straight). This year, I plan to become someone who my husband, family, and friends are more thankful to have in their life. This year will bring about a better Rachel. The new Rachel. Rachel Lowe.

The Dark Place

Life has been hard lately. Now, I want to preface this by saying that I know there are many, many people going through way more than me, but that doesn't mean that my struggles aren't hard. I apologize in advance if this turns into a giant venting-whining session, but I've found no other way to get things out. I need to let it out.

So I'm engaged...or at least that's what my left hand tells me. I don't feel engaged. I feel down. I never even get to think about the wedding because I'm in the middle of two other severely huge life transitions right now. I know I chose these transitions, but when I chose them, I didn't think everything would be raining down on me at the same time. Everyone else reminds me of this all the time, but I think I need to continue telling it to myself in order to keep things in perspective - I'm in the midst of three of the biggest life changing events, all at the same time! I'm attempting (fairly unsuccessfully might I add) to buy my first home, I'm attempting (hopefully a bit more successfully) to make a career change - and subsequently hoping it's right for me at this stage of my life, and I'm getting married in October! Honestly, I think most other people I know would be in a mental institution at this point. I should be proud that I'm doing as well as I am.

However, all this shenanigans is beginning to take a toll. I think I feel a bit of indifference coming on and am losing gusto in the weight management game. Since I'm in-between jobs and in-between housing situations, it's been really hard to keep things organized and moving forward on both fronts. And since environment has a huge impact on me, this has been doubly tough. Not only am I dealing with a lot of ambiguity, but I'm also in fairly chaotic environments. So that's been a bit tough. And because the house and job fronts have been so all-consuming, I've had hardly any time to focus on the thing I care most about - my relationship with Greg and the wedding! I honestly can't wait to get back to wedding planning - I've missed it. I only get to be engaged once (Lord willing) and I want to enjoy this time. I want it to bring Greg and I closer. Not that it hasn't done that in some ways, but it hasn't been at all like I pictured - mostly because since the big decisions were made back in January, it hasn't really been going at all. But that time will come soon!

On another note, I haven't been writing hardly at all. I'm starting to learn that I sort things out through writing; so when I fail to do so everything gets all jumbled in my head and stresses me out even more. So I want to start doing more writing - for sure.

Also, I REALLY need to get back to my health routine. I miss, so so miss, feeling good about myself. I was doing so well. I know it's hard to lose weight when I'm stressed, but it's also hard to deal with stress without being healthy. I want to take control of my stress, rather than let it take control of me.

So anyway, that's a broad picture of what's going on with me. Again, sorry this sounds more like a letter of complaint versus a thoughtful blog entry - but my thoughts are pretty much spent right now. Hopefully they'll be back soon. I miss them.

10 Years Sure Went Fast...

Tomorrow, I will officially be 28 years old. Yikes! Now, I'm not saying I'm "old" or that "so much of my life is behind me"...because I know that's a big fat lie. However, it does make me wonder where the last 10 years of my life went. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I was a wide-eyed 18 year old high school graduate, ready to take on the world. I had no clue where I would end up, what I would be doing, or even who would still be in my life. I can honestly tell you that I never thought I would be where I am now, but I'm sure glad this is where life has taken me! So I'd like to take this time to reflect on all the wonderful changes that have take place between 18 and 28.

An Ode to a Decade:

I went to George Fox University and loved every minute - too many relationships and memories to count from that incredible place.

I changed my major...four times? And I still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.

I experienced my first "real" relationship (as in, not just high school "going out" drama) - and consequently also had my heart broken pretty badly.

I caught the travel bug, big time, after going to Greece and Italy during my Junior Year of college. It hasn't really left since!

I went on a short-term mission which was incredible, difficult, and life-changing.

I lived abroad.

I packed up almost everything I owned, hopped in the car with mom, and moved across the country.

I became a "licensed" tour guide. Then I taught people how to be excellent tour guides.

I worked at my first job that literally made me dread getting up every morning. And I quickly moved on.

I learned how to be more responsible with money and have been aggressively saving for the future.

I've finally begun to battle my lifelong issue with jealousy. It's not completely gone, but I've taken some pretty incredible steps in this area.

I finished graduate school, and not even a 2 months later got offered a job in a totally different area. Go figure!

I gained a lot of weight, lost most of it, and have slowly been putting it back on again. Thankfully, I've finally made some life changes which are helping it to come back off slowly (and stay off!).

I met the most incredible man on the face of this Earth...and he actually wants to marry me (and asked in Rome no less!).

So I'm happy to report that I'll start off the second decade of my life as a financially stable, "master" wife, with a new job and a new outlook on life. I'm ready to give into the travel bug, and see what the next 10 years will bring. With Greg by my side, I can imagine it will be anything but better than the last decade. So good-bye to the last 10 years....you've been great!

Dealing With Stress

First, a disclaimer: I've never dealt with stress well. Stress management has always been a downfall for me. Although I've improved by leaps and bounds since high school and college, I still seem to let life's stresses affect those I am closest to. I hate it! And thought I've progressed over time, it still seems to hurt those I love and care about. How do I change this?

I know there are a couple things I can do right off the bat. First, I need to change what I do with my alone time. I need to learn to cherish this time and use it to re-energize myself, rather than sit in front of the one-eyed monster (otherwise known as the television). Second, I really need to start spending more time with girlfriends, as it is probably the pastime miss most. And third, I need to change the living situation, as I don't feel like I have anywhere to call home at this point in my life (which often adversely affects the previous two items needing change).

So there you have it. These things need to become a priority, not only because I need to deal with stress better, but because I want to remember my engagement as a happy time, not as a time when I let a lot of stress adversely affect the love of my life! And the funniest part about all this, the wedding is probably the one thing keeping me most sane - I find the planning to be a fun outlet for my creativity. Looks like some of the other areas of my life need to follow suit!

Hard Habits

Like most people I know, I began 2010 with a long list of lofty goals. However, it's just past the middle of February and I'm already falling into a weird (and completely reason-less) funk! Ugh!

I think the majority of it is that I'm still waiting on two major life changes - and the answers to both are long overdue! First, I put an offer on a house in AUGUST 19 (5 months ago today - exactly). I got approval on the first loan back in November, and am still waiting on the bank to take it's sweet sweet time in approving the second. It's a bit ridiculous, but it's pretty much everything I wanted. I've already told myself that if it falls through, I'm not meant to be a homeowner at this point in my life and Greg and I will get an apartment together after the wedding.

Additionally, I'm also waiting to hear about an advising job - something I've wanted to do since I started in higher education. Both situations are out of my control...and both situations are excruciatingly aggravating. And these predicaments both require patience, something I don't have much of to begin with. And since my patience is wearing thinner by the day, I'm falling into bad habits - comfort eating, not going to the gym, and getting mopey. Unacceptable - this does not help me achieve my goals. So since tomorrow is a new day, I will force myself to snap out of it, eat a healthy breakfast, and get my butt to the gym at lunch (so I can't talk myself out if it!!).

In other - amazing - news, Greg and I are engaged! We've been having a blast planning the wedding thus far. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life with my best friend - the man who loves me and understands me, even when I'm in the worst funk ever. So when I think about it this way...I should just drop this funk and get happy. Done...I hope!