The Dark Place

Life has been hard lately. Now, I want to preface this by saying that I know there are many, many people going through way more than me, but that doesn't mean that my struggles aren't hard. I apologize in advance if this turns into a giant venting-whining session, but I've found no other way to get things out. I need to let it out.

So I'm engaged...or at least that's what my left hand tells me. I don't feel engaged. I feel down. I never even get to think about the wedding because I'm in the middle of two other severely huge life transitions right now. I know I chose these transitions, but when I chose them, I didn't think everything would be raining down on me at the same time. Everyone else reminds me of this all the time, but I think I need to continue telling it to myself in order to keep things in perspective - I'm in the midst of three of the biggest life changing events, all at the same time! I'm attempting (fairly unsuccessfully might I add) to buy my first home, I'm attempting (hopefully a bit more successfully) to make a career change - and subsequently hoping it's right for me at this stage of my life, and I'm getting married in October! Honestly, I think most other people I know would be in a mental institution at this point. I should be proud that I'm doing as well as I am.

However, all this shenanigans is beginning to take a toll. I think I feel a bit of indifference coming on and am losing gusto in the weight management game. Since I'm in-between jobs and in-between housing situations, it's been really hard to keep things organized and moving forward on both fronts. And since environment has a huge impact on me, this has been doubly tough. Not only am I dealing with a lot of ambiguity, but I'm also in fairly chaotic environments. So that's been a bit tough. And because the house and job fronts have been so all-consuming, I've had hardly any time to focus on the thing I care most about - my relationship with Greg and the wedding! I honestly can't wait to get back to wedding planning - I've missed it. I only get to be engaged once (Lord willing) and I want to enjoy this time. I want it to bring Greg and I closer. Not that it hasn't done that in some ways, but it hasn't been at all like I pictured - mostly because since the big decisions were made back in January, it hasn't really been going at all. But that time will come soon!

On another note, I haven't been writing hardly at all. I'm starting to learn that I sort things out through writing; so when I fail to do so everything gets all jumbled in my head and stresses me out even more. So I want to start doing more writing - for sure.

Also, I REALLY need to get back to my health routine. I miss, so so miss, feeling good about myself. I was doing so well. I know it's hard to lose weight when I'm stressed, but it's also hard to deal with stress without being healthy. I want to take control of my stress, rather than let it take control of me.

So anyway, that's a broad picture of what's going on with me. Again, sorry this sounds more like a letter of complaint versus a thoughtful blog entry - but my thoughts are pretty much spent right now. Hopefully they'll be back soon. I miss them.