Celebrating Life

Today is a bit of a strange day for me. I'm celebrating life in two distinct, yet opposite ways. First, it is my husband's birthday so of course I am doing my best to spoil him rotten. His life has made mine so much more full, vibrant, meaningful, passionate, spiritual, and so many other adjectives I can't think of right now. He is my rock, my soft shoulder, my sounding board, my dream catcher, my best friend, and my number one fan. Life with him is utterly amazing. So today, I celebrate his incredible life.

But today, I am also going to a funeral. I can't remember the last time I went to a funeral. And today's is especially hard, because the friend who passed away was my age. He developed brain cancer last year, and that cancer took his life. I can't believe it would happen to someone so young and talented. It doesn't make sense. I've been an observer of some other far-too-soon deaths in the past few years, but have never had one hit so close to home. All I know is that I want to approach this event with solemn gratitude that I got to know Jordan for the short time he was with us and with thankfulness for his life.

In both cases, it really does make me stop and think about this whole thing we call life. What is it for? Why are we here? What's it all about? And it is times like this when I am extra thankful for my faith. My faith in God allows me to wrestle with these issues in a real, honest way. It allows me to search for the answers to these hard questions. And when things are going peachy, it doesn't seem like we need to search for answers. But we do. I especially do. So as hard as it is to deal with times like this, I go into this phase of searching with a grateful heart.

I hope to wrestle with some of those issues here, in writing, so that others may learn as well.

I need to write more, and I think between the inspiration of last week and the desperation of this week (with the hurricane and these other events), I believe I have more than enough fodder to ponder.

New Series: Oregon Trail 3.0

I've decided to start a new series, based on a decision my husband and I need to make in the coming years which will take a lot of thought, prayer, and tough decision making. We need to decide whether to stay put where we are on the East Coast, or move to the place my roots are planted - Oregon.

I'm calling this series "Oregon Trail 3.0" for a few reasons: 1) I, like many of my elementary school classmates, seriously LOVED that game when I was a kid; 2) The real Oregon Trail took place in the 19th Century, the original game came out in the 20th Century, and we are weighing the decision to make our own train now - in the 21st Century; and 3) The number 3 has had a lot of meaning in our relationship, so it seemed fitting to use it as we embark on this important decision making journey as well!

This post will be focused on the first topic and the subsequent questions that come with it...family. As a bi-coastal couple, we're automatically put in the situation where we are guaranteed to upset one family unit, especially when it comes time to have children.

Do we stay here and sadden my family on a deeper level, or move west and sadden his family?

Which family are we "closer to" now? (Or better phrased - which family would take more advantage of our close proximity?)

Which family could we depend on more for help with raising our children (child care, etc.)?

Which family is more likely to travel for holidays, etc. in order to see their future grandchildren? Also, which family has the means to travel cross country on a fairly regular basis?

What about extended family? Would one coast put is in closer to proximity to more extended family members?

As I ponder the seemingly forever gray answers to these questions, I can't help but think back to our wedding, and view it as a sort of microcosm of our current support system the way it is now. The long and short of it is this: one family was there for us, through thick and thin during the week leading up to the wedding; the other family showed up to the wedding 15 minutes before the ceremony was scheduled to start. So from this broad point of view, it seems like it would be an easy choice which family to choose, if that truly is an important factor in our decision.

I'm sure there are more questions related to this topic that the answers will bring about. But as I write this, the one thought that keeps popping into my head is this: it is OUR choice, not theirs. I realize that, but I also want to make sure that both of our families can be involved on some level, because I truly love both of our families. So there you have it - my constant and seemingly unresolvable internal battle. I know we'll come to a decision eventually, but in the meantime, I want to be better about reflecting on what's truly important to us and the life we want to build together. So no more questions left open-ended. I need to dig, find answers, and come to grips with my own decisions. For those of you who know me well, you'll find that often comes more clearly through writing.

That being said, I'm hoping that this exciting topic will get Greg back on here as an author. I love reading his words, so I know I'm looking forward to it!

The Next Decade

My 30's are almost upon me. But before I ring in the new decade, I wanted to write one more tiny blog post. You see, I had a plan to write some big, monumental "what I learned in my 20's and what I plan to do in my 30's" post...but that wasn't in the cards. It may have been if I'd plan a little better, or goofed off a bit less. But you know what, I enjoyed all that time goofing off...so it's fine that the long post took a back seat to that.

So what was the biggest lesson I learned in my 20's? I would say this: some of the best things that happen in life are unplanned. In fact, most of the groundbreaking changes in my life during the the past few years were very unplanned. My new side career as a photographer, my career with DoD, meeting my husband, stumbling upon a lifestyle that keeps me feeling and looking great, etc. So in this next phase of my life, I want to be more open to what God may bring to my life.

And while I remain open, I also vow to remain gracious, with both myself and others. Because I find that as I am more gracious with myself, I take better care of myself. And if there is anything I learned in my 20's, it is that I am no good to this world if I don't take care of myself.

So there you have it...my short, simple, 30's manifesto: be open and gracious. So here's to the next 10 years. May the be as blessed as the last 30 have been.

New Year - New Vision

Another new year has come and gone. Like most people, I set some goals (some resolutions) for the year, but they are primarily related to continuing the internal work I was striving for last year: being a better wife, a better photographer, and a better self. And as I've been reflecting on some of these goals during the past week, I keep landing on one thought - and it's a very disturbing and disheartening thought. For the last 29.8 years, I've been striving to be someone else. "I want to take pictures like her." "I want to be as good to my husband as she is to hers." "I want to write like her." "I want her body." "I want her hair."

I don't think this realization has ever hit me as hard as it has now - as I quickly count the days until my 30th birthday. I've reflected back on the list of things I want to do before I'm 30 - my 30 before 30 list - many times in the past few months; but this week, I realized that I want one thing more than I want anything else on any list I could make. I want to like myself. Really, really like myself. I want to let all those quotes saying things like "there is only one you" sink in. I can't believe I've spent so many years trying to chase someone else's successes, trying to seriously be just like someone else.

I'm not there yet, but I know that realizing this fact on such a deep level this time is setting the stage for my 30's to be the best decade yet. This is the year of self-care and self discovery. The year where I pursue the best me there is. Where I strive to be the best wife I can be to the husband I am blessed to call mine. Where I strive to be the best photographer I can be using the eyes, the vision, the skills, and the hunger for creativity God has given me and no one else. Where I strive to love myself, my body, my hair, my flaws, my everything - because it is what I was given.

I am so thankful for this new vision. And I know that once I start trying to be the best version of myself, I'll grow in ways I never though possible. So here's to a year of being, and becoming, me!