Moving Forward Again!

This week has gone well. I've been eating well and tracking my calories again. But even better, and more important, I can feel my attitude improving! I WANT to be healthy again - it's not a chore. I WANT to make the right decisions like eating well, maintaining a certain caloric intake, and going to the gym. What a great feeling! Now I'm not going to kid myself and act like I'll never slide again, because I know I will...but now I know what it feels like, and how to pull out of it faster.

I read a great article at SparkPeople today that described exactly what happened to me - it's called "Toxic Guilt". In essence, rather than hearing my conscience speak BEFORE I did something silly (like fool around online instead of go to the gym, or eat a big vat of fries instead of salad), it had no choice but to start beating me into submission after the fact, because I didn't listen. It said, "Rachel, why did you do that? Now you feel like crap don't you. Well good, then don't do it again!" But instead of this having a positive effect on me, it backfired. See, I'm like a majority of the population - when I don't feel good about myself (especially my weight) I eat. I eat whatever sounds good, whatever I want, and whatever is available...and these items are usually not the most healthy. So I would drown out my conscience even more, until I woke up feeling like crap the next morning, and so on and so forth until I feel totally lost. Oy vey! At this point, my poor, poor neglected conscience has no choice but to yell at me more, thus continuing the downward spiral until I take the reigns again and CHOOSE to stop the cycle.

I thoroughly enjoyed the three step process the author of this article gave for "ending the toxic guilt trip". They are:

1. When you start to hear something that might be your quiet conscience, stop for a minute and ask yourself, "Is this what I REALLY want to do?" Most of the time I would probably say no, but I never even give myself time to think about it - I'm too hungry, stressed, or defeated to think about it. I just want that instant gratification! Ah, the curse of humanity. So from now on, I will try to sharpen my poor conscience so I can sharpen it and better myself. (Subsequently, this is also what's been happening to me in the morning - my conscience is telling me to get up with the alarm, but I want ot keep sleeping - with full knowledge that it's not going to do me an ounce of good - so I do! No more!)

2. If you agree with the voice, decide not to do the action in question. If you disagree, DECIDE to do it. And if you're not sure, try to postpone the decision until you've had more time to sort it out. Yeah. I need to agree with it, because my conscience is ALMOST ALWAYS right. Sorry conscience!!

3. After you've made your decision, act! Take a few more seconds to notice how you feel about what you just did. File this in the memory banks for future reference. See, I do this, but only when I feel good about what I do...sadly that bank is FAR from full. I need to learn to do this when I feel badly about the decision as well, instead of pushing away the guilt - I need to allow the feeling to do it's job.

These steps apply to many areas of my life, not just diet/exercise. This applies to my recent "Unproductive Saturday" binge. After I watch the stupid, brainless VH1 show that actually decreases my intelligence, I need to do my schoolwork, so I don't stress myself out the rest of the week. I need to wake up in the mornings. I need to go to the gym. I need to treat Greg the way I know he deserves to be treated (and the way I WANT to treat him) no matter how I'm feeling or how bad of a day I had. I need to call my family more. I need to continue developing myself. I need to utilize my time better and stay more organized. I need to wash the dishes. I need to go out with friends more. You get the point....

Thanks SparkPeople. As always you have succeeded in boosting my motivation factor, once I gave you a chance!

Finding the Balance

After all, that is what this blog is all about right? Honestly, I've been doing "okay" since my post about 3 weeks ago. I've had some very good days, and some days where I thought "Ah, heck with it! I want a burger!" Overall, I've felt good about myself. I'd like to workout more, but my work that will come when I make it a priority. I'm not sure that I'll reach my goal, but to be honest, I'm more concerned with the journey. So that's my update for now, because I've got a lot of other items on the brain.

I think a large part of my apparent "lack of prioritization" lately is that I feel like I've lost my soul. Don't get me wrong, my job is decent, and I'm very thankful for it...but I have yet to do work that I feel even somewhat passionate about. I feel like I'm making no impact, and impact is very important to me. I'm also not a "sit in the background" type person - I like to be where the action is. For a majority of my professional career, I've felt bad about that, but I won't allow it anymore...that's who I am. I'm a take action, get it done, go for it type of person. I am NOT a "sit back and do the logistics type of person. Anyone who knows me well should pick up on that pretty quick. So why can't I?

I'm planning on having some REAL conversations with some co-workers outside my realm soon. I'm done with my degree in December and I'm ready to move into some work where I'm really utilized. I want to go home (or to the gym) at the end of the day feeling like I've really earned my paycheck every day. There are numerous areas I'm looking into, and I want to consider them all very seriously; I'm not sad to say that administrative support is not one of them...although I do like having a fair deal of customer service in my role. I'm looking forward to these talks and where they may lead. I'm also seriously considering looking into the "creative" side of things - I love to write, I love to read, I love to take pictures, I love to scrapbook...why the heck not; let's see if some of those things can be put to use!

So in essence, I might be on here more while I consider all these varied options, and I might not. I hope to be, since I sort things out best when I write, but I haven't been making it a priority as of late (which is obvious). Once my priorities are a bit more in check, you'll see more of me. So if you haven't seen much activity on here, feel free to send me an electronic kick-in-the butt. Or if you have any ideas of what you think I might be good at, feel free to let me know...I feel as though I have numerous blind spots right now. Thanks for reading!