When I jokingly stated last New Years Day how "Epic" 2010 was going to be, I had no idea just how correct that statement was. This past year brought some new friends, a new house, a new career, a new part-time job, a new car (unintentionally), and, most importantly, a new husband! I'd say that's definitely epic...at least for me.
2010 had it's ups and downs, it's trials and triumphs, and it's fair share of stressors. Looking back, the last 365 days have brought more good to my life than I ever imagined possible in such a short period of time. However, all these new beginnings have also made me more aware of some excess in my life - some things that are holding me back from reaching full potential. Some of these "things" are relationships and others are habits. I'll write a post later about unhealthy relationships, but let me be brief right now and say that, this year, I have become more aware of some relationships that, more often than not, cause me to doubt myself, question my personality, and just plain bring me down. Those relationships need to stop eating both my time and my energy. While I'm not particularly fond of just cutting people off, I am a proponent of discontinuing the expectations on my side of the table. If people change and come back around and want to revisit the relationship, that's one thing, but I will cease expending the energy to keep the relationship going by myself. It's not healthy, it's not right, and it's not real friendship.
Part of the reason I've accumulated some of these relationships stems from my lack of true friendship since moving to the East Coast just over 5 years ago. I grew so tired of being alone and friendless that I often grasped on to anything disguising itself as friendship and held on with an iron grip. This has happened to me at least a few times, but it became much more obvious this year. In the past, I have settled; instead of seeking out people I admired, respected, and truly wanted as a big part of my life, I befriended people who seemed to like me and were willing to hang out on a semi-regular basis. While I realize that this is how most friendships (and romantic relationships) start, there comes a crucial point where I need to make a decision of just how far I want this to go. I don't take friendship lightly - I go deep. And because I'm such a trusting person, it usually doesn't take me very long to go deep. While this can be a very good thing, it is also what causes me to get hurt, usually very badly. If someone barely knows me and rejects me, that's one thing. If someone knows me on a pretty deep level and rejects me, that's a major blow! (Side note: my husband has a great perspective on this; he let's people in and gives them the benefit of the doubt only until a certain level. Then, once that individual has proven himself, he opens up, goes deeper, and begins a true friendship. Acquaintances, then friends. I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot from him.)
With all that in mind, here is a summary of the primary lesson I learned regarding friendships in 2010.
All relationships are based on or centered around something. Some friendships revolve around whining about boys. As I look back on many of my high school/college relationships, this was the common denominator I had with a good chunk of my girlfriends - we whined about boys: those we were dating, those we wanted to date, and those we could not believe were dating that other girl! Another chunk of my friendships revolved around school - having the same majors, the same classes, the same activities; that's how we met, that's how we connected, and that's why we stayed friends. And more recently, a big chunk of my friendships have revolved around work (which is basically the grown-up version of school). I met and bonded with people who were in the same office, the same profession, or the same building. Again, that's why we stay friends. In ALL of these situations, the minute I take away that common denominator - bad boys, school, extracurricular activities, or work - the relationship is put to the test. This is when most of the relationships fizzle, and become merely acquaintanceship or, in worse situations, toxic. For some reason, this didn't occur to me on the deep "a-ha!" level until this year. Some of these friendships will last, because the connection goes beyond that largest common denominator, but many won't and don't. In short, I finally figured out the meaning of a line in the song "Wear Sunscreen" by Baz Luhrman: "friends come and go, but to a precious few you should hold on".
And now for the other part of my life which needs to be severely reevaluated this year - my habits. I won't go into too much detail here, as I've chronicled a good majority of these habits in past blog posts: lack of passion, laziness/procrastination, comparison, jealousy, poor stress-management, time-wasting, and poor health choices to name a few. Though I've been dealing with (or attempting to deal with) many of these issues for as long as I can remember, I've learned a LOT about myself in the past few years. Additionally, as much as I wanted to make some changes during this past year, it was not possible with all the input I had coming at me. There is only so much reflection and reevaluation that can happen while planning a wedding, buying a house, starting a new job, etc. But I am determined to make this year one in which I slow down and really figure out what matters most in my life. Is it a better use of my time to peruse Facebook and see what others are up to, or work on my photography hobby? Is it better to spend quiet time with my new husband and strengthen our relationship, or watch another crappy show on MTV? Should I head to the gym or cook a healthy meal, or stay at work and get one more thing knocked off my to-do list? When my priorities are straight, I know the answers. When my priorities are out of whack, it's not quite as easy to make the right choice. So this year, it is my goal to continually make the right choices, and make these choices become habits. It's going to be a long road, and I'll mess up - probably a lot - and it won't happen in one year. But I'm determined to start down this path. I'm determined to be a better person. I'm determined to be my best self, to focus on what matters and reject (or at least minimize) what doesn't.
This year, I am thankful for a husband who will support me with this goal through thick and thin (he definitely prefers the Rachel who has her priorities straight). This year, I plan to become someone who my husband, family, and friends are more thankful to have in their life. This year will bring about a better Rachel. The new Rachel. Rachel Lowe.
