Celebrating Life

Today is a bit of a strange day for me. I'm celebrating life in two distinct, yet opposite ways. First, it is my husband's birthday so of course I am doing my best to spoil him rotten. His life has made mine so much more full, vibrant, meaningful, passionate, spiritual, and so many other adjectives I can't think of right now. He is my rock, my soft shoulder, my sounding board, my dream catcher, my best friend, and my number one fan. Life with him is utterly amazing. So today, I celebrate his incredible life.

But today, I am also going to a funeral. I can't remember the last time I went to a funeral. And today's is especially hard, because the friend who passed away was my age. He developed brain cancer last year, and that cancer took his life. I can't believe it would happen to someone so young and talented. It doesn't make sense. I've been an observer of some other far-too-soon deaths in the past few years, but have never had one hit so close to home. All I know is that I want to approach this event with solemn gratitude that I got to know Jordan for the short time he was with us and with thankfulness for his life.

In both cases, it really does make me stop and think about this whole thing we call life. What is it for? Why are we here? What's it all about? And it is times like this when I am extra thankful for my faith. My faith in God allows me to wrestle with these issues in a real, honest way. It allows me to search for the answers to these hard questions. And when things are going peachy, it doesn't seem like we need to search for answers. But we do. I especially do. So as hard as it is to deal with times like this, I go into this phase of searching with a grateful heart.

I hope to wrestle with some of those issues here, in writing, so that others may learn as well.

I need to write more, and I think between the inspiration of last week and the desperation of this week (with the hurricane and these other events), I believe I have more than enough fodder to ponder.

New Series: Oregon Trail 3.0

I've decided to start a new series, based on a decision my husband and I need to make in the coming years which will take a lot of thought, prayer, and tough decision making. We need to decide whether to stay put where we are on the East Coast, or move to the place my roots are planted - Oregon.

I'm calling this series "Oregon Trail 3.0" for a few reasons: 1) I, like many of my elementary school classmates, seriously LOVED that game when I was a kid; 2) The real Oregon Trail took place in the 19th Century, the original game came out in the 20th Century, and we are weighing the decision to make our own train now - in the 21st Century; and 3) The number 3 has had a lot of meaning in our relationship, so it seemed fitting to use it as we embark on this important decision making journey as well!

This post will be focused on the first topic and the subsequent questions that come with it...family. As a bi-coastal couple, we're automatically put in the situation where we are guaranteed to upset one family unit, especially when it comes time to have children.

Do we stay here and sadden my family on a deeper level, or move west and sadden his family?

Which family are we "closer to" now? (Or better phrased - which family would take more advantage of our close proximity?)

Which family could we depend on more for help with raising our children (child care, etc.)?

Which family is more likely to travel for holidays, etc. in order to see their future grandchildren? Also, which family has the means to travel cross country on a fairly regular basis?

What about extended family? Would one coast put is in closer to proximity to more extended family members?

As I ponder the seemingly forever gray answers to these questions, I can't help but think back to our wedding, and view it as a sort of microcosm of our current support system the way it is now. The long and short of it is this: one family was there for us, through thick and thin during the week leading up to the wedding; the other family showed up to the wedding 15 minutes before the ceremony was scheduled to start. So from this broad point of view, it seems like it would be an easy choice which family to choose, if that truly is an important factor in our decision.

I'm sure there are more questions related to this topic that the answers will bring about. But as I write this, the one thought that keeps popping into my head is this: it is OUR choice, not theirs. I realize that, but I also want to make sure that both of our families can be involved on some level, because I truly love both of our families. So there you have it - my constant and seemingly unresolvable internal battle. I know we'll come to a decision eventually, but in the meantime, I want to be better about reflecting on what's truly important to us and the life we want to build together. So no more questions left open-ended. I need to dig, find answers, and come to grips with my own decisions. For those of you who know me well, you'll find that often comes more clearly through writing.

That being said, I'm hoping that this exciting topic will get Greg back on here as an author. I love reading his words, so I know I'm looking forward to it!

The Next Decade

My 30's are almost upon me. But before I ring in the new decade, I wanted to write one more tiny blog post. You see, I had a plan to write some big, monumental "what I learned in my 20's and what I plan to do in my 30's" post...but that wasn't in the cards. It may have been if I'd plan a little better, or goofed off a bit less. But you know what, I enjoyed all that time goofing off...so it's fine that the long post took a back seat to that.

So what was the biggest lesson I learned in my 20's? I would say this: some of the best things that happen in life are unplanned. In fact, most of the groundbreaking changes in my life during the the past few years were very unplanned. My new side career as a photographer, my career with DoD, meeting my husband, stumbling upon a lifestyle that keeps me feeling and looking great, etc. So in this next phase of my life, I want to be more open to what God may bring to my life.

And while I remain open, I also vow to remain gracious, with both myself and others. Because I find that as I am more gracious with myself, I take better care of myself. And if there is anything I learned in my 20's, it is that I am no good to this world if I don't take care of myself.

So there you have it...my short, simple, 30's manifesto: be open and gracious. So here's to the next 10 years. May the be as blessed as the last 30 have been.

New Year - New Vision

Another new year has come and gone. Like most people, I set some goals (some resolutions) for the year, but they are primarily related to continuing the internal work I was striving for last year: being a better wife, a better photographer, and a better self. And as I've been reflecting on some of these goals during the past week, I keep landing on one thought - and it's a very disturbing and disheartening thought. For the last 29.8 years, I've been striving to be someone else. "I want to take pictures like her." "I want to be as good to my husband as she is to hers." "I want to write like her." "I want her body." "I want her hair."

I don't think this realization has ever hit me as hard as it has now - as I quickly count the days until my 30th birthday. I've reflected back on the list of things I want to do before I'm 30 - my 30 before 30 list - many times in the past few months; but this week, I realized that I want one thing more than I want anything else on any list I could make. I want to like myself. Really, really like myself. I want to let all those quotes saying things like "there is only one you" sink in. I can't believe I've spent so many years trying to chase someone else's successes, trying to seriously be just like someone else.

I'm not there yet, but I know that realizing this fact on such a deep level this time is setting the stage for my 30's to be the best decade yet. This is the year of self-care and self discovery. The year where I pursue the best me there is. Where I strive to be the best wife I can be to the husband I am blessed to call mine. Where I strive to be the best photographer I can be using the eyes, the vision, the skills, and the hunger for creativity God has given me and no one else. Where I strive to love myself, my body, my hair, my flaws, my everything - because it is what I was given.

I am so thankful for this new vision. And I know that once I start trying to be the best version of myself, I'll grow in ways I never though possible. So here's to a year of being, and becoming, me!

Cultivating a Mentality of Abundance

How do I cultivate a mentality of abundance? I'm not talking about financial abundance, or prosperity, but rather...abundance of beauty, success, generosity, talent, love. To me, the opposite mentality - and the one I've been harboring for quite some time - is that of comparison. When I compare myself to someone, I am automatically thinking there is a limited amount of beauty (she's so much prettier than I am), success (if he's better at this job than me, there is no way I can be successful), generosity (everyone thinks she is so nice, so I shouldn't even bother), talent (he is so much more talented than I am, I'm sure nobody would appreciate my work), and love (they are such a cute couple, I bet they share so much more love than we do). Now that I have written out some of these thoughts (many of which I have actually caught myself thinking), I realize how silly they sound. However, I have a feeling I'm not alone in this thinking and in dealing with what I believe is one of the most troubling mentalities possible - the mentality of comparison.

While performing some intense intropsection during the past few months, I've noticed that this problem with comparison creates a majority of the other problems I often deal with: self doubt, selfishness, judging others, greed, strained relationships, and many others I haven't thought of. In fact, comparison, according to Dr. Stephen Covey, is one of the 5 metastasizing emotional cancers: criticizing, complaining, comparing, competing, and contending. Now for those of you like me who had no idea what on earth metastasizing meant before I looked it up at dictionary.com, he is talking about emotional "diseases" that spread injuriously and transform into a dangerous form. Wow. That hit the nail on the head. My issue with comparison had definitely injured other parts of my life and has had a very negative effect on my sense of worth and identity.

I've practiced comparing for more than twenty years now, so I'm pretty darn good at it. And therefore, I don't expect to be able to practice the opposite easily or immediately. But thankfully, I watched an incredible short video this afternoon that helped me think of a new way to approach people. But rather than give away the point of the video, I'd like to encourage you to watch it here - it'll only take 5 minutes of your time. I promise it's worth it!

Instead of summarizing the video, I will describe where it struck a nerve for me. For most of my life, whenever I meet someone new, the first question most often asked is "What do you do?" Now, not only is that an ambiguous question, but at the same time, it invites comparison. Becuase all of a sudden, now I'm thinking thoughts like "Wow, that sounds like a cool job. I bet he is much more happy with his professional life than me. And he probably makes way more. Which means he's better. Man I suck!". Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, "Wow, he really hates his job. I mean, I don't love my job but at least I can still get out of bed in the morning." Now, those are exaggerations, but hopefully I made my point. When I enter a conversation, or a new relationship with this attitude of comparison, I have very little hope of leaving the conversation feeling refreshed. I'll usually leave feeling diminished, or with a false sense of confidence.

I then watched another follow-up video about a man who did a "generosity experiment". One day he realized often he said no to those who needed his help, so in order to become more generous, he decided that for 30 days he was going to give to anyone who asked. Through this, he discovered that when you act a certain way, you make it a habit; for example, when you are always saying no to people, you start to become the word no. But when you instead start making yourself say yes, you become more generous. And when you become more generous, the world becomes more generous. This is when I started to ponder ways I could cultivate a mentality of abundance - how I could become less comparative? How could I see people more for who they are, instead of what I'm not?

I'm trying ot figure out how I can do an experiment that will help me cultivate a mentality and spirit of abundance. Not thinking that it's me against them, him, her, the world. But rather, it's me and them, him, her, the world. We're all here together. And there is enough for all of us. But how do I do that? Right now, I have no idea. But that's what I'm working on pondering. Let me know if you have any thoughts on the matter!

The Primal Diaries

This past week, I recorded all my thoughts, feelings, food choices, decisions, and random facts related to my Primal journey. I'm trying to eat more whole plant and animal based foods, avoid grains, and moderate dairy, caffeine, and alcohol intake. Doing this journal was very eye opening, and I will summarize my lessons learned at the end.

Before I begin, I want to outline the ten "Primal Laws" associated with this lifestyle:

1) Eat lots of plants and animals

2) Avoid poisonous things

3) Move frequently at a slow pace

4) Lift heavy things

5) Sprint once in a while

6) Get adequate sleep

7) Play

8) Get adequate sunlight

9) Avoid stupid mistakes

10) Use your brain

I hope you enjoy this snapshot of one week in the life of someone who is dramatically changing how she lives. Or at least trying to.

DAY 1

8:50am - Finally roll out of bed with a slight headache. Don't know why. Oh well, I'm hungry and really excited to indulge in the spinach, tomato, and blue cheese omelet (with a side of bacon) cooked by my "also becoming primal" husband. Yum! Headache dulls, but it's still there.

9:50am - Head out to work a scavenger hunt in my Vibram fivefingers. I've seriously fallen in love with these shoes. So glad my husband turned me on to them.

10:15am - Try to mpark at the Metro station so I can read en route (Primal Law 10 - use my brain). No such luck. Punch the address into the GPS & drive to DC. At least my boss reimburses for parking.

10:45am - Get parked and walk to the meeting place for the hunt. Nobody else is there yet, so I decide to venture 5 blocks over to get some Starbucks. Feels good to do a bit of walking after 40 minutes in the car.

10:55am - After debating all morning whether to get iced coffee or an iced latte, I decide on the latte...with sugar free syrup. Doh! Primal Law #3 - avoid poisonous things - violated. Oh well. It was either that or have a drink with a massive carb count, thanks to all the sugar. Next time, I'll go for the iced coffee - although that's tough too because I like my coffee sweet. But at least that way, I can control how much sugar goes into the cup.

1:15pm - After walking around the mall (the grassy one between the capital and the Lincoln memorial, not the indoor variety), we arrive at the first check-in point for the hunt. Boss asks if I'm hungry and offers to buy McDonalds. Ew. No thanks.

3:20pm - Boss is warm, offers to buy frozen yogurt. Hmmm. Still no.

3:30pm - Feeling kind of dizzy. Not sure why. Hoping it's because it's hot and smells like fish inside the building. Weird since I've been feeling much better overall since starting the primal thing.

3:45pm - Watch a girl eat some sort of smothered french fry dish. Looks kind of good. I sometimes miss fries. But I like the way I feel now more than I like french fries. Try fantasizing about veggies....it sort of works.

5:00pm - Head to husband's restaurant for dinner. Steak salad with blue cheese dressing. Serious goodness.

5:45pm - Commence play time (Primal Law #7). Have an absolute blast goofing off with two awesome kids - 7 & 5 years old respectively.

6:15pm - Get coaxed into wine tasting next door. Trying to avoid alcohol, since I'm aiming for weight loss at this point, not just maintenance. But the thought of girl time outweighs that concern - we're going for long term change here. Indulge! In the future, I do need to remember I can dump the wine if I don't like it. But not this time - oh well, my heart and vision will thank me.

7:30pm - Finally leave the restaurant, with a bit of coffee for dessert. I only take 2 sips for a few reasons. 1) Primal law #8 - Get adequate sleep. 2) It has Splenda in it, and earlier in the evening my husband was discussing the research on Splenda - the healthier you are, the worse it is for you. Eek! Kinda makes me regret the sugar free portion of the latte earlier, but I still have the internal primal battle - "carbs" vs. "poison". The more I think about it, the more I'll choose carbs in the future.

8:00pm - At the mall (the indoor one this time). Find some bridesmaid shoes for the wedding in two weeks for only $18. Woo! And I get some more walking in my Vibrams done too.

9:15pm - At home. Cleaning. Realizing it's easier for me to indulge in sleep and play when the house feels clutter free. Need to seriously work on that.

10:10pm - Husband is home. Watch a movie, east some cheese, and a hardboiled egg for late night snack.

12:30am - Head to bed. I think this whole going to bed at an earlier hour without digital distraction right before bed is going to be one of the hardest part of this lifestyle. Hoping our camping trip for the anniversary next month will help.

DAY 2

9:25am - Roll out of bed. Finally. Hope some day I'll be able to wake up naturally...and refreshed.

9:40am - Iced coffee on the way to church. Dunkin Donuts french vanilla coffee, raw agave nectar, & organic, grass fed half and half from Whole Foods.

10:55am - As I listen to the post-Eucharistic prayer at church, I can't help but think of all the references to wheat, grain, etc. in the Bible. I don't mind ingesting gluten when it's the Eucharist, and in some ways, maybe it's more special that it's the only gluten I do intentionally ingest now. Just some thoughts...

11:50am - Leave church, just in time to go on a shopping spree at the farmers market.

12:30pm - Apples, pears, plums, eggplant, green beans, and kale. Oh my!

1:45pm - Sushi! I know it's not the most primal meal out there, but husband wanted some and I really missed it. Seaweed salad, salmon avocado roll, philadelphia roll (salmon & cream cheese), and some red snapper sashimi.

3:00pm - Arrive at home. Do some more cleaning and organizing so I can focus and work toward the uncluttered, less stressful life we really want.

8:00pm - Dinner time. Grassfed steak (in a not so primal, vegetable oil based, store-bought marinade), fresh green beans cooked in butter with salt and pepper, and sweet potato fries. For dessert, strawberries with farmers market peaches and whipped grass-fed heavy cream. I'm seriously loving this food, so good, and so satisfying.

10:10pm - My stomach isn't feeling the best. Not sure why, but I think I'm having some digestive problems. Took my Arbonne digestion supplement and almost immediately felt better. Should research ways to improve my digestive system...

11:30ish - Build our tent in the living room to test it out for the upcoming camping trip. Felt like little kids sleeping in a tent in the living room. Gotta get that play time in!

DAY 3

6:30am - Wake up to the sound of my cell phone vibrating. A bit soar from sleeping on top of my right arm all night. Decide it's time to go upstairs for a short stint of more comfortable sleep.

10:30am - Roll out of bed after a morning of cuddling and chatting with the husband.

11:15am - Breakfast. Spinach and blue cheese omelet, with bacon. Honeycrisp apple. Espresso shot over fresh whipped heavy cream. So. Unbelievably. Good.

1:00pm - Begin our camping trip shopping spree at Hudson Trail Outfitters and REI. Super excited for "campaversary" trip and how well it fits into the new lifestyle we're trying to achieve. (Side note: Vibram makes boots now. Heck yes!)

4:00pm - Hungry. Stop at TangySweet on the way to the movie, Crazy Stupid Love. Banana frozen yogurt with chocolate chips, toasted coconut, and strawberries. Definitely hits the spot.

6:50pm - Time for dinner at the Russia House. $20 off thanks to Groupon. Mango Martini - mango/orange/pineapple infused vodka, mango puree, raspberry puree, and cream - roasted lamb, pork pillows (in pasta - oh well), tomato/olive sauce. And I indulged in a few bits of bread. So glad I did - the butter was absolutely incredible.

8:15pm - After dinner, discuss dessert options for home. Make a plan to stop at Whole Foods if it's open. Gourmet cheese - plus we need half and half. Fingers Crossed!

8:43pm - Whole Foods is open! Score! Eggs, cream, half and half, arugula, and some cheese bites for dessert. (Side note: I love the whole foods cheese section - they have little bites of cheeses, small leftovers, for around $1. Great way to try all kinds of new cheeses without going overboard.)

9:30pm - Cheese, apples, and whipped cream for dessert.

10:00pm - After watching a few episodes of The Office, we get a call from husband's co-worker. He locked himself out of the restaurant. I drive the 8 miles there and back while husband starts reading for homework in the car.

11:30pm?? - Finally go to bed (in the tent again). Fell asleep in the living room with lights and television still on. Primal fail.

DAY 4

9:00am - Out of bed, make some eggs with spinach and iced coffee for breakfast.

10:00am - Leave for a few hours of errands on my day off from work.

12:30pm - Errands take a bit longer than expected. But I think my thrift store/mall browsing successfully counteracted some of the stress caused by earlier errands (primarily speaking of my dealings with a horrible un-named internet service provider). Mission accomplished.

3:30pm - After doing some on-the-phone errands and projects on the home front, I sit down to enjoy our FINALLY reconnected internet with some celery, carrots, and homemade (okay, husband's restaurant made) blue cheese dressing. Yum!

6:30pm - Time to get my butt moving with the one primal rule I've been seriously neglecting - exercise. Go to the gym and do 4 of the 5 body weight exercises. Almost 2 full cycles - fall a bit short on the squats. Then walk for 20 minutes on the treadmill while reading a chapter of my new book.

8:15pm - Dinner! Roast beef, wrapped in bacon. SO good. Plus fresh green beans in butter, and honeycrisp apples with almond butter for dessert.

10:00pm - Finally sitting down to get some things done on the internet. Will finish by 11:00pm and read before going to bed. Seriously need to get better about this sleep thing.

DAY 5

7:30am - Alarm sounds. Back to work. Yuck! I must admit, having the long 4-day weekend was a nice break from reality. Thankfully, it's a telework day - this should help ease the transition.

8:30am - Spinach, tomato, and blue cheese omelet. With bacon. (That is definitely our routine breakfast - when we have time in the morning). Never gets old. Oh, and hot coffee with cream and agave too.

9:00am - Hit the ground running with work after reading through emails while eating breakfast.

9:30am...10:30am - still working on a horrid spreadsheet for work.

12:30pm - go to the mall for lunch. Wanted to do some sprints today, but it's pouring outside and I really don't want to do my first set of sprints on a treadmill. Plus, shopping sounds like better therapy.

2:30pm - Finally eat some lunch. Spinach and tomato salad with celery and carrot sticks. Have a little left over roast for protein and dip the salad in a side of blue cheese dressing. I think I may be forming an unhealthy addiction to blue cheese dressing.

4:30pm - Still hungry. Still working. Still stressed. Have a honeycrisp apple with almond butter to curb the cravings.

6:20pm - Head to the high school to take pictures of a friend's volleyball game.

7:40pm - Is volleyball primal? Watching these girls play sure makes me miss it! Also reflect on today's work. Realize that I really need to start pursuing this photography business. I want to do something I love and stop working for the weekend...and vacations.

8:40pm - Get home from the game. Husband made me a salad! Love him! Baby arugula, green apple, raw cashews, flax seed, blue cheese (see a pattern?) and poppyseed dressing. This is what we affectionately refer to as "our salad".

10:00pm - Editing pictures while watching Law and Order: CI. Still hungry. What the heck? Snack on some gourmet cheese bites from Whole Foods. Finally think I'll be good til morning.

11:30pm - Seirously wondering how I can find a new job. Or be less stressed. Or both. Minimal BS (aka work) stress = uber primal. When I'm not stressed I eat better, play more, sleep better...you get the idea.

Day 6

7:00am - Wake my butt up around 7, after 30 minutes of the snooze button. Back to the office.

7:15am - SO thankful for my husband. He helps make me breakfast, lunch, and dinner...since I have photography class tonight. I have an Arbonne vanilla protein shake with frozen strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries blended in for breakfast; one of "our salads" for lunch; and for dinner...celery and blue cheese dressing, left over roast from 2 nights ago, and a peach. Whip together an iced coffee for the road.

7:20am - Weigh myself before getting dressed and heading to work. Notice I'm back to the weight I started at on Saturday morning. As of yesterday I had lost about 1.5 pounds. I know it's not about the "weight", but I'm not feeling as good as I have the past few days either. Attribute it to stress, since yesterday was my first day back to "work" after a 4-day hiatus.

8:30am - Finally get to work after nearly an hour in the car. The post Labor Day commute is always killer, and the seemingly endless rain for the past 3 days hasn't really helped either.

11:00am - Sitting at my desk with a growling stomach. My co-worker is not ready for lunch yet, so I bring the salad to my desk to ease the hunger.

11:35am - Co-worker is finally ready for lunch. Since I'm still working on my salad, we both head down to the cafeteria to get out of the office a bit.

11:45am - While eating in the cafeteria, I keep debating whether or not I should buy some coffee. My iced coffee this morning had Splenda in it (because we ran out of Agave a few days ago). Oddly enough, after several weeks without it, I can now taste the Splenda, so my coffee tastes like chemicals. Yuck! I feel justified in getting more coffee since I'll be "going" until 10:00pm tonight. But I decide against it, since I would be drinking it mostly for the effect, not the enjoyment.

2:00pm - Start a boring meeting, which goes until 4:00pm.

4:20pm - Notice that shortly after the meeting, I feel like I'm starving again. Oddly enough, I wasn't hungry at all before the meeting. Starting to think there is a BIG correlation between stress and my cravings. Dip into the celery and blue cheese to satisfy the urges.

5:45pm - Finally leave work to head to photography class. It's going to be a long commute as it is STILL raining. I do believe this is about the 3rd straight day, with hardly any breaks. I'm from Oregon and even I think this rain is just insane.

6:50pm - 20 minutes after GPS said I would be at school, I'm still on the road. I open the container with my leftover roast and begin eating it while driving. Feel like I look a bit crazy eating pieces of meat behind the steering wheel, so I try to only take bites when there are no other cars stopped beside me.

7:10pm - Finally parked and in class. Only 10 minutes late! Whew. Within the first 10 minutes, I'm already liking class better this week than last.

8:30pm - Break time. Eat my peach and refill my water bottle.

10:00pm - Excited to head home. It's been a long day!

10:30pm - Notice the part where I got stuck in construction traffic last week is empty because of the rain. First time all week I've been thankful for the percipitation. Will be home before 11. So excited.

11:10 - Get home and head straight upstairs. So. Tired. And still soar from my workout 2 days ago.

DAY 7

7:00am - Same kind of wake-up as yesterday. Hating life after 30 minutes of snooze. Make breakfast and lunch for the day - protein powder smoothie and spinach, strawberry, and cashew salad. Hot coffee with the new bottle of agave.

7:20am - Out of the house. Dreading the horrid traffic before I even sit down behind the steering wheel.

7:50am - Traffic is extra horrid, much worse than yesterday. 30 minutes in, I'm at mile 2 of my 15 mile journey. Call co-worker to let him know I'll be inexcusably late today. He suggests that I telework. I take the offer.

7:52am - Also hear from co-worker about the "boil water advisory" that was issued in the city where I live. Eeek! I had no idea! Hang up and immediately call the husband to warn him.

8:20am - Finally arrive home. Had to travel one more mile in the insane traffic in order to exit the highway and turn around.

10:50am - Head out to the grocery store to get some jugs of clean water. Get some Starbucks while I'm out, since I threw out my coffee due to the contaminated water. (The Starbucks I went to was outside the advisory parameters.)

2:00pm - Finally figure out that I was reading the advisory boundaries wrong - our water is ok. Oh well, we'll use the gallon jugs for our camping trip in 3 weeks.

3:42pm - Dig into my salad for lunch. Decide on a late lunch since I have to work an events gig in the city tonight.

5:45pm - Head into the city.

9:01pm - Open bar! I have one vodka tonic. At least it's not soda (more primal?). Don't think they had red wine, which would normally be my first choice.

9:10pm - Holy CRAP this music is loud. Poor, poor ears.

10:30pm - On my way home, get a call from the husband that brother-in-law is playing at a local bar tonight. Agree that I will pick him up at home and we'll head straight there.

10:37pm - Wonder if there is anything primal I can pick up at Wendy's on the way home. I'm hungry. Can't really think of anything. Oh well. Call husband and ask if he can bring an apple or something for me to much on en route to the bar.

10:55pm - Get to bar. Accosted by uber loud music again.

11:10pm - Husband and I order drafts of Shocktop from the bar. I know beer isn't very primal, but it's okay to indulge in such things moderately - in my humble opinion.

11:20pm - Am plugging my ears by this point. I can actually hear the music now! I don't know how these people do it without earplugs. Am also reminded of the article I read a few weeks ago about silence, and how it is really lacking from the way we live these days.

11:40pm - HEAD HOME. (Oh, sorry, just realized I don't have to yell to be understood anymore). So happy - felt SO out of place in that venue. But glad we could support brother-in-law.

12:10am - Have an avocado and some hard boiled eggs for dinner. Finally. After I eat, I almost immediately crash.

1:00am - Husband wakes me up from my nap on the couch so we can get upstairs. Still can't seem to get this good sleep thing down.

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Lessons Learned:

1) I eat WAY too much cheese. Especially blue cheese. I need to learn how to eat it more "moderately". I know I'll get there eventually!

2) I'm really having a hard time with this whole "get adequate sleep" thing. Need to really work on that as well. Perhaps get in the habit of reading (and using my brain/relaxing) before bed, instead of being online or in front of the TV.

3) I'm not so good at fitting in the primal fitness. I really need to make more time for exercise in my life.

4) I need to research some ways to improve my digestive system, even though it has been much better since I cut out the major carb culprits (bread, pasta, grains, etc.).

5) I've come a LONG way! And though I still have a longer way to go, I need to be proud of what I've accomplished. Making a lifestyle change is always hard, and after recording my thoughts for an entire week, I can honestly say I have changed. I still struggle, but at least I am observant of what I struggle with. I'm pretty darn proud of myself (which is not something I say often).

I hope you all learned a little bit about what I've been trying to do this month, and hopefully had your eyes opened to a different lifestyle. Whether you agree with it or not, I always think it's better to be informed than ignorant.

Blog Fail

Epic blog fail. For the last few months, I've had serious writers block. I tried to figure out some sort of "series" last month with the posts on gratefulness, but after a while, it was hard to think of things that would be interesting to write about (and read) - and honestly, I felt like the two posts I did write were...well...lame. There are a lot of things I'm thankful for in this world, but those things can't always be expressed in an exciting way with words. So I'm going to move that feat over to the photography blog at some point, because I think I would find it more challenging, more meaningful, and frankly more possible to exemplify my gratefulness with pictures.

In the meantime, I've come up with a new idea to break this block, based on a series run by both New York Magazine and, one of my favorite personal finance sites, I Will Teach You To Be Rich. They are called the Sex Diaries/Money Diaries respectively, and each contributor tracks their thoughts and experiences with sex/money over the course of a week to share with the world. I love this concept. I want to engage in this concept. So for the next six months, as I continue my journey to 30, I want to take each of the 6 remaining months and focus on 6 important areas of my current life. So next month, I will aim to redeem this blog fail by focusing on my current trials and triumphs as I transition to a Primal lifestyle. I'll do a week long "diary", and also write individual posts whenever the desire arises.

Next week, I will be recording all my thoughts and activities related to my efforts to improve my diet, exercise, sleep routine, and my attempts to add more playtime, sun, and creative pursuits into my life. This may sound more like 6 things...but in actuality, it's all wrapped up into the Primal lifestyle. So stay tuned, as I once again attempt to break my writer's block, and reignite my journey into the next decade of this beautiful life.

Dinner!

Today, I am grateful for dinner. I'm not only grateful for the usual benefits it brings about on the surface - sustenance, tastiness, nutrition - but I'm also grateful for some of the hidden treasures that dinner can bring. For me, dinner is an example of the primary time I get to spend with my husband (whether it be 7pm on a Wednesday night, or 10pm on a Friday or Saturday night, after he's finally home from work). Dinner is also representative of the family time we will protect and cherish with our children when they come (even though those dinners are still pretty far in the future). Dinner is the setting for so many new friendships I've forged, people I've met, and relationships I've deepened.

Tonight's dinner was even more special, due to something a friend brought to light yesterday. I realize I'm blessed to be able to have dinner with my husband, and those I love, every day. Thank you, friend, for the reminder that I should cherish the time I have with those I love, rather than complain when our quality time is lacking for one reason or another.

So with no further ado, I offer you a picture of tonight's simple dinner - grilled chicken, sweet potato fries, and blue cheese enveloped asparagus. Both my stomach and my taste buds were grateful for this meal.

The Practice Project

Today, I'm starting a new project. I'm going to practice two things I want to master. I realize I won't master them within a month, but I think that if I create the habit of practicing them, I will master them in time. These two things are both very important to me - one is a hobby, a passion, and a profession; the other is an attitude.

Every day, for the next 30 days , I will post a picture of something I'm grateful for, and explain why I chose this particular item/person/place. In doing so, I hope to not only improve my photography skills, by making even everyday objects look like art, but also improve my ability to be grateful for the things I have been given. (Note: while I am in Las Vegas in August, it may be difficult to upload pictures and update the blog. However, I will backlog those posts and publish them when I return. I'm sure there will be lots of things I'm grateful for in Vegas? -- yes the question make is on purpose)

I've realized over the past few months, the one thing with which I chronically struggle is unrealistic expectations - of myself, of others, of situations, and of life. I read an incredible article the other day on a blog called "The Simple Marriage", and I have been thinking about the topic of expectations, and their relationship to an attitude of gratitude ever since. In this particular article, the author discusses how expectations actually undermine gratitude. This is not to say that all expectations are bad, or negative, or that we shouldn't hold them to some extent in our lives. However, when we walk around expecting friends, family, partners, or co-workers to do certain things, we are rarely grateful when they happen. Let me allow the authors words to provide a better example:

"We are most grateful for the good things that come our way that we did not expect to happen.

If you expect your spouse to help with the housework, you will be disappointed, mad, sad, or angry when your spouse does not help you with the housework, but you won’t necessarily be grateful when your spouse does help with the housework. Depending on your history together, you may be

Pleased - "I'm glad we're doing this together."

Surprised - "I can't believe you actually mopped the floor!"

Justified - "I do my share and you need to do your share."

Vindicated - "It's about time you started pulling your weight!"

When you are dog tired at the end of the day, and you walk in to find your spouse cleaning the kitchen, or putting the kids to bed when you expected them to be home late – that’s when you feel truly grateful – because you were not expecting the help!"

I love surprises, but I often ruin them by "expecting" them. Prime example - I will be 30 in about 8 months. And I keep hinting to my husband that I want to do something fun, with friends. However, the more I hint, the more I will come to expect from it. So instead, I need to focus on my own journey to 30, and leave it to him to plan any kind of celebration if he wants. I'm really hoping this practice project will help me do just that!

So, with all that being said, I'd like to post my first piece of gratitude.

Today I am grateful for the simple things in life. I am grateful for fresh cherries to eat - one of my favorite summer indulgences. And I'm also thankful that I actually enjoy a lot of foods that are healthy for me. And since I wanted to start off the project with a bang, I added another thing I am grateful for - the third official living room plan I've had since we moved here last summer, and the first to survive past 1 month. I love you Money Tree! Keep growing, and stay green. Perhaps you are the key to my black thumb changing colors. But in general, I am grateful for plants and what they bring to us - fresh food, fresh air, fresh perspectives with their beauty, and a sense of responsibility...to take care of them.

What are you grateful for today?

Another Guest Post at "2000 Dollar Wedding"

I'm excited to announce that I am once again a guest author at one of my favorit blogs - 2000 Dollar Wedding.

This post, is very near and dear to my heart, as it chronicles the trials and triumphs Greg and I experienced in planning our ceremony, which to us was the most important part of the wedding. Please pop on over to this incredible blog and check out my post, Wedding vs. Marriage - The Fight for Focus, as well as the many other guest posts that have been popping up over the past few months.

Feel free to leave a comment either here or there - but let me know what you think!

Balance: A New - and Ever-Evolving - Definition

Since this blog is all about “balance” - or at least it strives to be - I think it’s important that I update my ever-evolving definition of the word. I’m just noticing this subject hasn’t gotten a lot of play in my posts since about mid-2009. Of course, they all have to do with my journey toward balance, but not many of them have discussed it in a very up-front way. To be honest, the primary reason for this is most likely my lack of focus on writing over the past year. Understandably so - experiencing several life changes at once often means other things get placed on the back burner for a while. This blog was one such item. But it’s back in front, and will be in full force as I get more experience under my wings.

But back to the purpose of the entry - an explanation of the changes to my definition. It’s kind of like how your health or auto insurance sends you that “summary of changes” statement every year to outline how the plan differs from the previous year. Well, here’s how my view of balance has changed since 2009. Balance isn’t just “work-life” balance, as most people in America would define it. Balance isn’t making an equal amount of time for family as you do for work. Balance is about finding the equilibrium between purpose and joy; finding the intersection of that which you need and that which you most deeply desire.

1. Balance is not something that will ever be perfectly achieved. Instead, it is something to be relentlessly pursued. I say this because, like many others, I think I was looking to “balance” as a state of being, rather than an ideal. Like many other meaningful parts of life, a balanced state is never truly reached. Yes, there will be times when life is more in balance than others. However, because of the transient nature of life, in order to stay balanced, we will need to be constantly adjusting our lives in order to align with our values.

2. Balance does NOT equal happiness. I think when I began this whole “pursuit of balance” gig, I had a skewed perception of what being balanced would mean - what it would look like. I thought once I “achieved” life balance, I would be happy. But happiness, like balance, is always in flux; and just because we are “happy”, it does not mean we are “full of joy”. I’m still working on my reasoning behind the differences between happiness and joy, but here is the short, rough, draft version. Happiness is short-lived, and often extrinsically generated. Joy, on the other hand, is more a state of being and often comes from internal factors such as faith and purpose. I’ll work on that more later, for a follow-up post.

3. Balance requires aid. So far, I’ve felt very alone in my quest toward balance, because I’m not very good at asking for help. If there is one thing I’ve learned along the way, it is that I will never become more balanced if I resolve to do it all by myself. Not only do I need to delegate and outsource, but I also need to find more friends, more mentors, and more advisers. When I look back on my life, I can distinctly correlate the times I felt most balanced with the times I had the closest, strongest social circles.

So there you have it; a brief summary on how the meaning of balance has changed for me during the past year (or so). I hope it continues to change as I achieve more of it in my personal and professional life, and I hope others can benefit from what I have learned as well.

My Lenten Endeavor

I feel like I have completely lost my touch for explaining things - for telling stories - for using words.

But that statement begs the question - did I ever have this gift to begin with? I believe I did! When I was in middle school, I distinctly remember my mother telling me how when I was very young - before I was “poisoned” by the public school system - I used to correct my brother’s grammar. My brother is 5 years my senior. There are two possible explanations for this: 1) I learned great grammar from my mother; or 2) I was born with a natural gift for words. I choose to believe the latter.

Whenever I begin to ponder or question my career path, I think back on one of the more influential weeks of teaching during my time in Altensteig, Germany. The incredible speakers - Frank and Catherine Fabiano - discussed how the dreams we have as children about what we want to be when we grow up are parallels of our intended professional purpose. Often, our real calling is an echo of that childhood dream. When we are young children, we aren’t jaded by all the “No You Can’t”s and all the “truths” about the “real world”. We aren’t afraid to dream - mostly because when we are very young, nobody shoots down those dreams. But then comes adolescence, the time when we should really be focused on discovering our talents, our passions, ourselves. But guess what we run into instead? Discouragement! “You can’t do that!” “That’s not realistic!” “Very few people can make a career of that, what makes YOU special?”. Or my personal favorite, as quoted by +6 in her talk on creativity at the TED conference, “Aren’t you afraid that you’re gonna work your whole life at this craft and nothing’s ever gonna come of it and you’re gonna die on a scrap heap of broken dreams with your mouth filled with bitter ash of failure?”

And as hard as some of us may try to deny it, this crap that is so often slung sticks. It sticks to our hearts and to our souls. We start to doubt ourselves. Am I different? What am I good at? Although all the posters in the cafeteria say “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll land among the stars”, or some other cheesy, feel good, Successories quote, that’s often not what we’re hearing - from peers, from parents, from teachers, or from mentors. We’re told to pursue our dreams, but with caution. We should have a plan B. We should think about what else we could do, in case that idea fails. Now while I am a planner, and also a huge fan of having a back-up one, I believe this sends the wrong message...especially this early in life. Because then we head off to college thinking something along these lines: “Well, I really want to be a Doctor, but that’s hard and requires a TON of schooling, so maybe I’ll be a science teacher instead. Actually, teaching can be really competitive too, and it also doesn’t pay a whole lot. But hey, you know what does pay a lot, and is always reliable? Business. Yeah, I’ll major in business, because then I'll have a lot of options.” So we graduate college, and start pursuing all our “options”, only to take the first job we're offered - which unfortunately poisons our creativity and confidence for years to come. And from this point forward, our career turns into a series of seemingly “smart” decisions, which lands us on the cusp of 30 with a “survivable” office job and a hellish commute.

This is exactly how I view my career path up to this point. Of course there are a few more twists and turns, but I won’t bore you with the details. But at least all of this led me to my husband, who is my real reason for wanting more out of life. Maybe I had to go through all of this to meet him. Maybe I had to go through all of this to come back around to my passions for writing and photography - or maybe not. I choose to believe the former.

I also choose to believe that life always brings us to precisely where we are supposed to be. I know I am here for a reason - in this job, in this city, in this condo. I don’t have to understand the reasons, but I must accept them. And how do I go on from here? I seek the next step. I don’t just take what is offered anymore, I SEEK the next step. Big difference. So that is what I’m doing. I’m seeking through my writing - through my photography - through my moments of silence.

And THAT is why I have chosen to both give up something and add something for the 40 days of Lent. I have chosen to give up the biggest time waster of my life - crappy television (yes, I admit that I used to indulge in it far too frequently, but no longer). And instead, the time I would usually spend watching mindless television will be spent writing, reading, and watching interesting, thought provoking films and documentaries to gain inspiration. I will rediscover myself through writing. I may never become a writer to the world, but I must become a writer for me.

And so begins my Lenten endeavor.

Journey to Thirty

This afternoon, just before leaving work, I had one of those conversations that caused me to shift my paradigm oh so slightly. It was with a friend who is currently living and working in Germany, and a woman who has become a major role model for me in recent years. Before her 30th birthday, she resolved to lose weight and quit her job, no matter what. And she did it - in style (hence the whole Germany thing)!

So today, on the eve of my 29th birthday, I asked her a simple question: "Any tips for my last year as a 20-something?" This broad question brought on a short, but sweet and powerful conversation. First and foremost, she said to set goals; selfish goals that must absolutely be achieved by the time I reach 30!

From there, she went on to say that in the process of achieving her goals she had also, subconsciously, resolved to become more like the person she knew and loved before the DC rat race brought her down. During her time in "Corporate America" she had lost herself - lost sight of her strengths and passions. Boy doesn't THAT sound familiar?!

We discussed how she believes our generation has been wronged by those who've indoctrinated us to believe that we are failures if our work doesn't absolutely correlate with our passions. She essentially called BS, claiming that she had no idea what she wanted to do with her life or career and fully embraced that fact. I have mad respect for this woman!

I think the subsequent paradigm shift I plan to make will be the most vital one in the history of my career. I want to gravitate toward work that either: 1) allows me to indulge in my creative passions and longing to be intellectually stimulated and challenged while at work, or 2) allows me the flexibility to indulge in said passions and stimulating/challenging pursuits outside of work. THAT is where I want to focus professionally. So whether it be photography, Arbonne, a regular 9 to 5, or something completely different, I plan to find out what this means for me!

Rediscovering my passions, investing in my health, and finding a way to consistently indulge in both pursuits for the rest of my life...THIS will be my journey to 30!

Personal Reflection: Judgement and Comparison

This post is a combination of two thoughts that have been the dominating force in my mind lately - judgement and comparison. Both traits have created numerous obstacles for me throughout the entirety of my journey. While I have had some major breakthroughs, I know these traits will not magically disappear (after all, I am human). All I can do is strive to be better each day and become more comfortable and confident with myself in the process. I know I will never be perfect, but I still want to become the best Rachel possible.

I will begin with a reflection on a fellow blogger's post from December. The title, Judged If You Do; Judged If You Don't, really captures how I've been feeling lately. Granted, I'm not in the same situation as the author - who is about to give birth - but I am in the midst of some large life decisions (and will most likely be in her position a few years from now).

In essence, I'm not liking this whole "wake up, embark on a horrid commute, spend 8-10 hours at a job I don't love, leave exhausted and unmotivated, embark on the same horrid commute - only backwards, get home, do some half-hearted cleaning, eat dinner (which equates to 'quality time' with my husband), and fall asleep on the couch watching a rerun of whatever television drama is on that particular evening" routine. In fact, I loathe it! This is not the life I want; it is definitely not the life I dream about.

But this is where I'm at. And it seems that every time I get a small tinge of motivation to create a life outside the norm, I feel judged or ridiculed. But Rachel, don't you want security? Don't you want to retire? Don't you want to make a difference? Don't you want to be part of the bigger picture? [Side note: now that I work for the government, I get this push back more than ever...because government and security are synonymous in the eyes of most people]. Yes, I do desire these things; but my definitions of security, retirement, and the bigger picture are not the same as the norm society embraces.

Conversely, I also feel judged by those on the opposite end of the spectrum, who are currently making a life of their own, for sticking it out where I'm at until my goals and aspirations are a little more concrete. I feel pressured to dive straight in and go for it - throw caution to the wind. And so I feel stuck - trapped in this endless internal battle. Should I follow the traditional path, move toward the unestablished route, or break off in my own direction? There are pros and cons to each scenario.

As mentioned in the cited blog post, we must shift the focus from external to internal. Rather than asking how I can seem successful to others, I need to be asking how I can feel successful by my own accord. What will help me create value for others? What will allow me to give back to the world, rather than just take from it? How can I live in alignment with my most deep-seated values on a daily basis: relationships, faith, health, creativity, financial freedom, and balance? This is something only I can figure out - nobody else can do it for me. In fact, more often than not, others will try to pull me down as I get closer to my dreams. I have allowed this to knock me off track before, but as my reasons for creating this balanced life (having children and fostering a healthy family) loom closer, my motivation is at an all time high.

I will no longer allow the judgment of others - in either direction - to heavily influence me. I will base my decisions on the lifestyle my husband and I want to achieve. We will consult each other, not the world at large.

In addition to these thoughts on judgement, I've also been dealing heavily with my arch nemesis: comparison! For a while, I was allowing it to get the best of me - which is why January and February have been a bit frustrating (and lacking in reflection). However, I was listening to a motivational track in my car the other day and heard something that really stuck with me: rather than base our improvement or success on comparison with others, we must base it on comparison with ourselves. This means we should strive only to be better than we were the day before - not better than anyone else. As I have painfully learned time and time again, comparison to others will only serve to bring me down. It's time to start comparing the Rachel today with the Rachel of yesterday. Is she closer to achieving her dreams? Is she healthier, more confident, more self-aware, more experienced in her passions and talents? Is she more the Rachel I long to be?

Now that I'm entering the final year of my twenty-somethings, it's time to stop reflecting on these ideals and start acting. Right now, I can honestly say that for the most part, the Rachel of today IS better than the Rachel of yesterday. And with what I've got planned for this final year before I hit the big 3-0, it's only going to get better from here, regardless of who may be judging me.

Thank You Jenny

I don't know who you are, or if Jenny is your real name, but thank you. Thank you for helping me rise to the occasion, even when my selfish, skeptical nature told me I should just avoid the situation and look out for #1. Thank you for helping me break the destructive mold I've been headed in. Thank you for helping me re-learn what it is to truly care for others, and sacrifice on their behalf. And thank you for allowing me to be there for you, in your time of need.

Who is Jenny you may ask? I don't know, exactly. I just know she was a woman in need, and one who was able to break through my slowly hardening shell. You see, I've become obsessed with money, and my goals, and all sorts of meaningful, yet material things. Yes, financial health is important, but not as important as a stranded daughter getting to the hospital to see her fragile mother. Yes we should be careful stewards of the things we are given, but being a steward requires giving it away when asked.

You see, giving is something I've grown less and less "good at" lately. Of course I'm still giving to those I know, but what about those in need, whom I haven't had the chance of meeting yet. I haven't been giving the way I'd like to, and I always find an excuse when the opportunity arises. I have a savings goal. My husband in back in school - that costs money. Taxes are due. Just let me finish building my emergency fund first.

I had a conversation with a very dear friend right after I met Jenny, because she is someone I look up to in the area of giving to others - I thought she would help me make sense of the situation. You know what she told me? "Giving is a sacrifice. It's giving up your morning coffee or that pair of jeans so that you can help someone else. It's not just giving when it can be recorded for a tax write-off." Thank you friend! And thank you Jenny. Thank you for helping me access that part of my heart again - the part that longs to give to others in a way that will make a difference in their life. Thank you for helping me touch the life of another.

My First Ever Guest Post!

I'm excited to announce that my first-ever "guest post" was published today over at one of my favorite blogs- 2000 Dollar Wedding. The author, Sara, is an incredible woman focused on practical and purposeful living. You should definitely check out her blog, and not only because of my post.

The entry, entitled "A Tale of Two Receptions", describes why Greg and I chose to have two receptions and why we think others should consider it as well. Hope you enjoy!

2010: The "Epic" Year of New Beginnings - 2011: Reflection and Reevaluation

When I jokingly stated last New Years Day how "Epic" 2010 was going to be, I had no idea just how correct that statement was. This past year brought some new friends, a new house, a new career, a new part-time job, a new car (unintentionally), and, most importantly, a new husband! I'd say that's definitely epic...at least for me.

2010 had it's ups and downs, it's trials and triumphs, and it's fair share of stressors. Looking back, the last 365 days have brought more good to my life than I ever imagined possible in such a short period of time. However, all these new beginnings have also made me more aware of some excess in my life - some things that are holding me back from reaching full potential. Some of these "things" are relationships and others are habits. I'll write a post later about unhealthy relationships, but let me be brief right now and say that, this year, I have become more aware of some relationships that, more often than not, cause me to doubt myself, question my personality, and just plain bring me down. Those relationships need to stop eating both my time and my energy. While I'm not particularly fond of just cutting people off, I am a proponent of discontinuing the expectations on my side of the table. If people change and come back around and want to revisit the relationship, that's one thing, but I will cease expending the energy to keep the relationship going by myself. It's not healthy, it's not right, and it's not real friendship.

Part of the reason I've accumulated some of these relationships stems from my lack of true friendship since moving to the East Coast just over 5 years ago. I grew so tired of being alone and friendless that I often grasped on to anything disguising itself as friendship and held on with an iron grip. This has happened to me at least a few times, but it became much more obvious this year. In the past, I have settled; instead of seeking out people I admired, respected, and truly wanted as a big part of my life, I befriended people who seemed to like me and were willing to hang out on a semi-regular basis. While I realize that this is how most friendships (and romantic relationships) start, there comes a crucial point where I need to make a decision of just how far I want this to go. I don't take friendship lightly - I go deep. And because I'm such a trusting person, it usually doesn't take me very long to go deep. While this can be a very good thing, it is also what causes me to get hurt, usually very badly. If someone barely knows me and rejects me, that's one thing. If someone knows me on a pretty deep level and rejects me, that's a major blow! (Side note: my husband has a great perspective on this; he let's people in and gives them the benefit of the doubt only until a certain level. Then, once that individual has proven himself, he opens up, goes deeper, and begins a true friendship. Acquaintances, then friends. I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot from him.)

With all that in mind, here is a summary of the primary lesson I learned regarding friendships in 2010.

All relationships are based on or centered around something. Some friendships revolve around whining about boys. As I look back on many of my high school/college relationships, this was the common denominator I had with a good chunk of my girlfriends - we whined about boys: those we were dating, those we wanted to date, and those we could not believe were dating that other girl! Another chunk of my friendships revolved around school - having the same majors, the same classes, the same activities; that's how we met, that's how we connected, and that's why we stayed friends. And more recently, a big chunk of my friendships have revolved around work (which is basically the grown-up version of school). I met and bonded with people who were in the same office, the same profession, or the same building. Again, that's why we stay friends. In ALL of these situations, the minute I take away that common denominator - bad boys, school, extracurricular activities, or work - the relationship is put to the test. This is when most of the relationships fizzle, and become merely acquaintanceship or, in worse situations, toxic. For some reason, this didn't occur to me on the deep "a-ha!" level until this year. Some of these friendships will last, because the connection goes beyond that largest common denominator, but many won't and don't. In short, I finally figured out the meaning of a line in the song "Wear Sunscreen" by Baz Luhrman: "friends come and go, but to a precious few you should hold on".

And now for the other part of my life which needs to be severely reevaluated this year - my habits. I won't go into too much detail here, as I've chronicled a good majority of these habits in past blog posts: lack of passion, laziness/procrastination, comparison, jealousy, poor stress-management, time-wasting, and poor health choices to name a few. Though I've been dealing with (or attempting to deal with) many of these issues for as long as I can remember, I've learned a LOT about myself in the past few years. Additionally, as much as I wanted to make some changes during this past year, it was not possible with all the input I had coming at me. There is only so much reflection and reevaluation that can happen while planning a wedding, buying a house, starting a new job, etc. But I am determined to make this year one in which I slow down and really figure out what matters most in my life. Is it a better use of my time to peruse Facebook and see what others are up to, or work on my photography hobby? Is it better to spend quiet time with my new husband and strengthen our relationship, or watch another crappy show on MTV? Should I head to the gym or cook a healthy meal, or stay at work and get one more thing knocked off my to-do list? When my priorities are straight, I know the answers. When my priorities are out of whack, it's not quite as easy to make the right choice. So this year, it is my goal to continually make the right choices, and make these choices become habits. It's going to be a long road, and I'll mess up - probably a lot - and it won't happen in one year. But I'm determined to start down this path. I'm determined to be a better person. I'm determined to be my best self, to focus on what matters and reject (or at least minimize) what doesn't.

This year, I am thankful for a husband who will support me with this goal through thick and thin (he definitely prefers the Rachel who has her priorities straight). This year, I plan to become someone who my husband, family, and friends are more thankful to have in their life. This year will bring about a better Rachel. The new Rachel. Rachel Lowe.

The Dark Place

Life has been hard lately. Now, I want to preface this by saying that I know there are many, many people going through way more than me, but that doesn't mean that my struggles aren't hard. I apologize in advance if this turns into a giant venting-whining session, but I've found no other way to get things out. I need to let it out.

So I'm engaged...or at least that's what my left hand tells me. I don't feel engaged. I feel down. I never even get to think about the wedding because I'm in the middle of two other severely huge life transitions right now. I know I chose these transitions, but when I chose them, I didn't think everything would be raining down on me at the same time. Everyone else reminds me of this all the time, but I think I need to continue telling it to myself in order to keep things in perspective - I'm in the midst of three of the biggest life changing events, all at the same time! I'm attempting (fairly unsuccessfully might I add) to buy my first home, I'm attempting (hopefully a bit more successfully) to make a career change - and subsequently hoping it's right for me at this stage of my life, and I'm getting married in October! Honestly, I think most other people I know would be in a mental institution at this point. I should be proud that I'm doing as well as I am.

However, all this shenanigans is beginning to take a toll. I think I feel a bit of indifference coming on and am losing gusto in the weight management game. Since I'm in-between jobs and in-between housing situations, it's been really hard to keep things organized and moving forward on both fronts. And since environment has a huge impact on me, this has been doubly tough. Not only am I dealing with a lot of ambiguity, but I'm also in fairly chaotic environments. So that's been a bit tough. And because the house and job fronts have been so all-consuming, I've had hardly any time to focus on the thing I care most about - my relationship with Greg and the wedding! I honestly can't wait to get back to wedding planning - I've missed it. I only get to be engaged once (Lord willing) and I want to enjoy this time. I want it to bring Greg and I closer. Not that it hasn't done that in some ways, but it hasn't been at all like I pictured - mostly because since the big decisions were made back in January, it hasn't really been going at all. But that time will come soon!

On another note, I haven't been writing hardly at all. I'm starting to learn that I sort things out through writing; so when I fail to do so everything gets all jumbled in my head and stresses me out even more. So I want to start doing more writing - for sure.

Also, I REALLY need to get back to my health routine. I miss, so so miss, feeling good about myself. I was doing so well. I know it's hard to lose weight when I'm stressed, but it's also hard to deal with stress without being healthy. I want to take control of my stress, rather than let it take control of me.

So anyway, that's a broad picture of what's going on with me. Again, sorry this sounds more like a letter of complaint versus a thoughtful blog entry - but my thoughts are pretty much spent right now. Hopefully they'll be back soon. I miss them.

10 Years Sure Went Fast...

Tomorrow, I will officially be 28 years old. Yikes! Now, I'm not saying I'm "old" or that "so much of my life is behind me"...because I know that's a big fat lie. However, it does make me wonder where the last 10 years of my life went. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I was a wide-eyed 18 year old high school graduate, ready to take on the world. I had no clue where I would end up, what I would be doing, or even who would still be in my life. I can honestly tell you that I never thought I would be where I am now, but I'm sure glad this is where life has taken me! So I'd like to take this time to reflect on all the wonderful changes that have take place between 18 and 28.

An Ode to a Decade:

I went to George Fox University and loved every minute - too many relationships and memories to count from that incredible place.

I changed my major...four times? And I still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.

I experienced my first "real" relationship (as in, not just high school "going out" drama) - and consequently also had my heart broken pretty badly.

I caught the travel bug, big time, after going to Greece and Italy during my Junior Year of college. It hasn't really left since!

I went on a short-term mission which was incredible, difficult, and life-changing.

I lived abroad.

I packed up almost everything I owned, hopped in the car with mom, and moved across the country.

I became a "licensed" tour guide. Then I taught people how to be excellent tour guides.

I worked at my first job that literally made me dread getting up every morning. And I quickly moved on.

I learned how to be more responsible with money and have been aggressively saving for the future.

I've finally begun to battle my lifelong issue with jealousy. It's not completely gone, but I've taken some pretty incredible steps in this area.

I finished graduate school, and not even a 2 months later got offered a job in a totally different area. Go figure!

I gained a lot of weight, lost most of it, and have slowly been putting it back on again. Thankfully, I've finally made some life changes which are helping it to come back off slowly (and stay off!).

I met the most incredible man on the face of this Earth...and he actually wants to marry me (and asked in Rome no less!).

So I'm happy to report that I'll start off the second decade of my life as a financially stable, "master" wife, with a new job and a new outlook on life. I'm ready to give into the travel bug, and see what the next 10 years will bring. With Greg by my side, I can imagine it will be anything but better than the last decade. So good-bye to the last 10 years....you've been great!