Careerism?

I meant to write this post on Friday night or Saturday afternoon, but by the time my weekend class was over I wanted to head straight home. However, there was something the professor of my financing higher education class said that really hit home, and brought me back to an internal conversation I had been ignoring for a long time.

Although we had eight hours of class time, during which I learned a great deal, there was one particular lesson that struck a personal chord. The professor spoke of the two "diseases" which were most poisonous to today's institutions (and organizations/businesses in general). These two diseases were jobism and careerism. By jobism, he was referring to those people who come into work just to put in their 40 hours and get paid...so they can go get on with their life. Careerism refers to those who are so focused on the next step in their career that they cannot focus on their current position. I'm pretty darn sure I suffer from the second of those diseases.

I'm always thinking to myself "Well, when I finally get a job in this office..." or "Well, when I have less administrative tasks and more fun projects...". I'm also focused on the when and the if, rather than the here and now. It really bothers me, and causes me to wonder when it all started. I'm really trying to watch it so that I not only use this job in order to propel me to where I want to go, but in addition, add some value to the department while I'm here. It's going to be a hard road, considering that my self-esteem is still taking hits every now and then (mostly self-inflicted), but I know I can do it. And you are all more than welcome to hold me to this!

I commit to live in the here and now, not only in life...but at work as well.

Diminishing Comparativeness

First, I wanted to share my success in my completion of the New Years Resolution...I completed my list of 101 things in 1001 days! Woo hoo! I'm also happy to report that I've already knocked off two things by going to Inauguration and the GW Inaugural Ball. This list is very comprehensive and it's completion is just the beginning. Needless to say, the 99 remaining "things" will definitely keep me occupied during the next 2.75 years!

Now onto the real purpose of this entry. If you know much about me (or have read some of my earlier articles), you will know that one of my biggest weaknesses is a mix of jealousy and comparison. It comes in spurts. One minute I'll be fine with my life, and the next I feel like I don't make enough money, don't have a good enough job, don't have enough friends, etc. And then later, I will see a news story about job losses, or abusive relationships and I will feel blessed about my life. Sometimes I feel like a ping pong ball. I believe that all humans go through this to an extent, but sometimes it is so bad that it can suck the total enjoyment out of my life...diminish my new mantra of living to live.

A few weeks ago, I read an article entitled "Life's Enough: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others", which touches on this exact subject. I'd like to include an excerpt:

Let’s say I take a look at someone who creates amazing artwork and really top-notch podcasts on their website … and I look at my art and video skills, and realize that I don’t come close to measuring up. In fact, I look pretty pitiful (I’m a lousy drawer and don’t know anything about video).

But wait a minute: it’s not a fair comparison. Just because I don’t measure up doesn’t mean I should get out of the blogging business, or that I should get depressed or jealous or resentful. Instead, if I looked at my strengths — writing useful and honest posts — I can see that I have a lot to offer, a lot to be happy about.

And that’s so important — being able to look at your own strengths, and see your true value. It’s actually one of the keys to success, because without this ability, you will be unmotivated, and won’t believe in yourself.

That is so true... I do often make very unfair comparisons. I'll compare myself financially to a lawyer, or compare myself professionally to someone who has been in the field for much longer and has a much more significant amount of education. It's just unfair and it doesn't have a positive affect on anyone, especially me. And in addition to making me unhappy with what I have, it also sometimes keeps me from getting to know others without pre-judging them. If I feel they are better than me, or have something I don't, I have a certain resentment for them before I even get to know them. I hate that SO MUCH!

So my two-part resolution to start delving into this frustration is this:

1) Any time I feel myself starting to compare or become jealous, I want to be conscious of what is happening and mentally say "stop it". I want to stop comparison in its tracks!

2) Rather than compare myself to others, I want to get to know them first. I want to learn from them instead of getting frustrated at what they have and allowing that to prevent me from expanding my horizons.

I would encourage all of you to read this article and to enjoy every day. Live to live and love what you've been given! I'd like to end with a perfect quote from the song "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann:

"Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself."

I Live To Live

I meant to write this post yesterday, but I'm glad I didn't. I had a conversation with an old high school friend today that added to the perspective of reflection. So here are my random thoughts for today/yesterday.

I am a ball of stress. Not so much as I was in high school apparently though. I've heard from a number of old friends that they actually worried about me during those four awkward years...something I never knew before. I mean, I knew I was "overwhelmed" but I honestly believed I was good at hiding it. As I've grown older (and wiser?) I've learned that I cannot hide my emotions at all. If I'm tired, frustrated, worried, bored, excited, holding a secret...my expressions tell it to the world. Oh well, that's just me!

So the point: I've never been good at truly embracing and enjoying life. It's funny, even when I'm doing awesome things or embarking upon incredible journeys, I always feel like I'm missing something. I always fear that I'm not taking full advantage. It's silly really, and I'm not sure why it's like that. Anyone care to enlighten me?

This whole thought process came about because of article I spotted in a friends "status message" on Facebook yesterday afternoon. The entire premise of the article, entitled "It's Natures Way Of Telling Us To Chill" is the fact that instead of enjoying the snow, Washingtonians tend to get their collective panties all in a bunch. Okay, most people do when there is snow and ice on the ground during a school/work day. Understandably. However, the article encourages us to enjoy the crappy weather: allow it to slow you down for once. I will enlighten you with my favorite passage followed by some reflection. How does that sound? Awesome? Okay. Here it is:

Never let a classroom get in the way of a good education. Or work get in the way of a good life.

"I have to go to work," you say.

No, you don't. If only truly essential personnel were required to show up in the snow, 90 percent of us could stay in bed. We would not be missed.

Chill out. Let your kids show you how to make a snowman. Serve hot chocolate. Whip up snow cream. Remember that no tombstone ever read: "I wish I had gone to work instead of taking a snow day."

I take this to mean...live life the way YOU want to live, not by someone else's direction. I hate to say it, but I've been following the path of "should" for a long time. I know I should settle down, get a career, put this percentage in savings/retirement, only eat out once a week, not go out to coffee very often...blah blah blah blah. But you know what? I LIKE coffee and restaurants. I HATE saving for retirement. I'd rather live in the now! Travel, meet people, have experiences. Maybe this is why I feel like I'm always "missing" something, because there is a very adventurous part of me that feels ignored.

Now, this is where it's important for the idealistic and practical parts of my personality to blend. Of course I'd rather go experience adventurous wonders than put away for retirement, but I know that there needs to be a balance. I want adventure now AND in the future...so I need to plan for both. That's what it all comes down to...planning. Thankfully, I've gotten much, much better at planning so I think these things will get better. For me, it all comes down to recognizing that there's something wrong, recognizing that there's an imbalance.

I'd like to end with a thought I had the other night...and I think it's going to be one of my new mantras as I strive for balance in life. Greg and I were answering questions from a "Getting To Know You" book, when we came upon one that struck me as strange. It asked: "Do you eat to live or live to eat?" My answer (which I was pretty proud of btw) was "Neither! I live to live and I eat to eat." So there you go. Whatever I do from now on, I plan to do with purpose. If I'm eating...I want to eat well and enjoy every bite. If I'm running, I want to enjoy every step (even when it hurts). If I'm traveling I want to enjoy EVERY moment, whether being a tourist or laying in bed with the man of my dreams. So my newest page in the book of mantras: I live to live! Kthnxbye!

Celebration and Tragedy...All Within One Week

What a strange week. Here is more detail surrounding both the celebration and the tragedy:

This week enabled me to be part of history. I was able to be on the mall during President Obama's Inauguration. It was an incredible experience. When else can I say that I was part of a mob of nearly TWO MILLION people, not one of whom was arrested...probably never. Even though people were freezing cold and squeezed together, everyone remained happy. Rather than complaining about the crappy weather, we just focused on what we were about to witness. I can't say there weren't times I was frustrated, but those moments will fade with memory. I kept saying to Greg that Inauguration Day 2009 will be like some of the ridiculous Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell movies - much better in memory than they are during the actual event. I mean, we all have those movies that are much funnier to quote than to watch, right? This event was like one of those. Yes, I couldn't see anything, it was freaking cold, I was squished, I couldn't feel my fingers, and I was frustrated I couldn't get a good picture....but I was there! How cool is that?

Another interesting facet of this experience was just seeing the vast array of people who showed up. There were seriously people from ALL walks of life - young and old, disabled and able-bodied, black and white, asian and middle eastern, reserved and obnoxious...they were all there. I mean, there were TWO MILLION of us. But the whole time I was there, I kept wondering what this must feel like for the African American community. I mean, this is surely an important and memorable day for me, but what was going on in their minds? I would love to know!

As soon as I sort through pictures, I will post some of them on here for you all to enjoy (even if solely for the fact of realizing that you most definitely witnessed more than me while sipping tea and sitting on your warm couch facing the television).

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, George Washington University experienced the death of a student today. She was only 19. Young deaths are always hard for me to bear, and make me ponder my own life like nothing else in this world. They always make me ask the hard questions like: Am I making the most of my time in this world? Am I truly living up to my potential? What is really important to me? Am I spending my time focused on those most important things? Have my priorities been shaped by the values of the world at large rather than the values I hold in my heart? Am I really headed in the right direction?...and many many others.

I just hope that some of the reflection that happens inside my head this time truly enables me to sit down and focus on what's important, rather than whining about things of a lesser matter.

This week truly was a cause for celebration and reflection with events from both ends of the spectrum.

Getting Over Sickness

Last weekend, I came down with a cold. Normally, this would be kind of inconvenient, but not that big of a deal. However, this happened right after I discovered I was lucky enough to land two tickets to the swearing in ceremony of President-Elect Barack Obama on Tuesday morning. This means standing in cold 30-some degree weather for several hours, which would not be good if I were still in the middle of a cold. Thankfully, I am finally starting to feel better, although I still have an annoying cough.

So what did I learn from this experience? I'm still not sure, since I'm smack in the middle of it. But I can tell you a few preliminary things.

1) I miss exercise! The one thing that sucks about being sick is that it's not good to overexert yourself...which includes progressive runs. Boo! I was actually starting to enjoy getting in the routine of running again. Oh well, something to look forward to the week after inauguration I guess.

2) I am a miserable sick person. Greg said it best -- the worst thing about being sick is the feeling of being absolutely useless. I hate being useless. It's bad enough when I do nothing productive through my own procrastination, but it's even worse when I can't do a darn thing about it. So maybe this will help me be more productive when I'm healthy? Not sure....

3) I need to start taking WAY better care of myself! First of all, I think part of the reason the cold hit me so hard was because I haven't been very good about taking my vitamins, eating well, exercising, etc. Also, I've been super bad about keeping up my beauty routine while I've been sick so all my acne, etc. has come back. Boo! So once I'm back to health (starting today actually) I will start washing my face, masking, etc. again.

So all in all, the sickness has been horrible, but I believe it will help me appreciate my health all the more and it's made me catch up on rest. It was a sucky way to get to this point, but I'm glad I did!

Exhausted

The past few weeks, including the Christmas and New Year Holidays, have made me keenly aware of something: doing nothing is far more exhausting than being busy. Or at least, it feels that way right now. Up until one week before Christmas, I was consistently running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Between school, work, relationships, and "getting ready" for the holidays I had a to-do list about a mile long. Yet for some reason, an enormous load of adrenaline helped me succeed at all these tasks with flying colors. During both Christmas and New Years, I was consistently tired. Now I know it was probably a mix of jet lag and recuperation, but it seemed I was always falling asleep. Of course it doesn't help that my family loves to watch TV (which I am convinced makes me more tired than anything else).

In essence, I have not started the new year off the way I had hoped. During the first four days, the only real task I accomplished was halfway cleaning my room - I still have a TON of papers/binders to get organized. Other than that I was dinking around online and whatnot. I didn't get my finances in order the way I wanted, or set up electronic transfers. I just looked up random stuff. Erg.

However, this year is new...I have decided that it doesn't help anybody when I beat myself up for past shortcomings. Instead of writing an entire article about how I should have done this or that, or yadda yadda, I am going to make a plan to move forward. The first plan is to unplug my TV - the one-eyed monster. The second, is to take a nap when I get home tonight. The third is to continue developing my 101 things list, and the fourth is to start organizing papers if Greg has not arrived by that point.

In other news, Greg asked me a seemingly easy question last night that I found very difficult to answer. He looked me in the eye and said "Where do you see yourself, and us, in two years?" To be honest...I don't know, and that scares the heck out of me. There are so many unknowns right now, and I don't do well with unknowns. :) So I also plan to start visualizing where I would like to be in that short time frame.

And lastly, I hope all of you will be happy to know that one of my goals is to write in this blog at least once a week or more for a year. So there should be many more articles to peruse through, even if they are quite random.

I hope you had a wonderful new year, and I look forward to doing more self-exploration in this balancing act we call life in 2009.

Time for Reflection and Planning

Wow, umm....how is it 2009 already? Seriously! I know it sounds cliche, but this year went by SO fast. I haven't even had time to sit back and reflect on all the joys, triumphs, failures, regrets, and lessons learned as I often do. I guess that's what the 3 hours before the party tonight will be spent doing. However, before I officially reflect, I'd like to share some of the experiences with you!

1) I started graduate school. This year, I began the pursuit of my advanced education; and even better, I figured out what I want to do for my first career - higher education! There have definitely been some ups and downs associated with going back to school. The ups are learning and being around like-minded people again, and the downs mostly relating to insane amounts of reading and writing and much less free time. However, as of two weeks ago I am halfway done, so I know I can persevere and give up those luxuries for the betterment of my future.

2) I got a new - AWESOME - job! Not only has this job greatly enhanced my ability to achieve financial goals, but it has also been a huge positive influence on my self esteem. I am actually doing things I am good at! Yes, I still have those days when I don't feel like being at work or when all the items on my to-do list are painful administrative (peon) tasks, but those days are less and less. The more forward I move, the more I realize how much past job experiences have either helped or poisoned me. One in particular deeply poisoned me and only now do I feel as though I am pulling myself out of that self-defeating coma. So that has been a great experience.

3) I continued growing with Greg! Sometimes it feels like I just met Greg this year, but then I think "no wait, we'll be celebrating our TWO year anniversary in February!" It's crazy. And we've been through a lot together this year. Sadly, we did not have the financial means to go on all the fun trips this year, but we did get to go to Oregon and hang out with the family as well as explore Philadelphia. 2008 was the year where we really started getting to know each other - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am ashamed to say that Greg has probably experienced some extremely ugly parts of my personality; however he still loves me just as much if not more thus confirming how great we are together!

4) I started getting serious about exercise again. It's been a struggle yes, especially when compounding it with school, but I made a real effort this year. Sadly, December has been a horrible month for me in the health arena, but that is going to change. I am just happy that I have finally made it a priority again.

I know there is more, but I just wanted to hop on the "reflection bandwagon" while I could and get the juices flowing for later tonight when I write a REALLY long journal entry.

One of my biggest resolutions for the new year is to develop my own 101 things in 1001 days list (as seen on Get Rich Slowly). As this list develops and progresses I will share it with you. One of the items on that list has to do with this blog. I have been a sad, sad excuse for a blogger this year and I'd like to start posting at least once a week or more if possible. This is a great way to not only get my thoughts out of my overflowing brain, but also to share what is going on with those who care about me. So look for more in the future...and confront me about it if you don't see a post in a while!

Happy New Year Everyone! Let's all strive to make this year the best yet!