First, a disclaimer: I've never dealt with stress well. Stress management has always been a downfall for me. Although I've improved by leaps and bounds since high school and college, I still seem to let life's stresses affect those I am closest to. I hate it! And thought I've progressed over time, it still seems to hurt those I love and care about. How do I change this?
I know there are a couple things I can do right off the bat. First, I need to change what I do with my alone time. I need to learn to cherish this time and use it to re-energize myself, rather than sit in front of the one-eyed monster (otherwise known as the television). Second, I really need to start spending more time with girlfriends, as it is probably the pastime miss most. And third, I need to change the living situation, as I don't feel like I have anywhere to call home at this point in my life (which often adversely affects the previous two items needing change).
So there you have it. These things need to become a priority, not only because I need to deal with stress better, but because I want to remember my engagement as a happy time, not as a time when I let a lot of stress adversely affect the love of my life! And the funniest part about all this, the wedding is probably the one thing keeping me most sane - I find the planning to be a fun outlet for my creativity. Looks like some of the other areas of my life need to follow suit!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Hard Habits
Like most people I know, I began 2010 with a long list of lofty goals. However, it's just past the middle of February and I'm already falling into a weird (and completely reason-less) funk! Ugh!
I think the majority of it is that I'm still waiting on two major life changes - and the answers to both are long overdue! First, I put an offer on a house in AUGUST 19 (5 months ago today - exactly). I got approval on the first loan back in November, and am still waiting on the bank to take it's sweet sweet time in approving the second. It's a bit ridiculous, but it's pretty much everything I wanted. I've already told myself that if it falls through, I'm not meant to be a homeowner at this point in my life and Greg and I will get an apartment together after the wedding.
Additionally, I'm also waiting to hear about an advising job - something I've wanted to do since I started in higher education. Both situations are out of my control...and both situations are excruciatingly aggravating. And these predicaments both require patience, something I don't have much of to begin with. And since my patience is wearing thinner by the day, I'm falling into bad habits - comfort eating, not going to the gym, and getting mopey. Unacceptable - this does not help me achieve my goals. So since tomorrow is a new day, I will force myself to snap out of it, eat a healthy breakfast, and get my butt to the gym at lunch (so I can't talk myself out if it!!).
In other - amazing - news, Greg and I are engaged! We've been having a blast planning the wedding thus far. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life with my best friend - the man who loves me and understands me, even when I'm in the worst funk ever. So when I think about it this way...I should just drop this funk and get happy. Done...I hope!
I think the majority of it is that I'm still waiting on two major life changes - and the answers to both are long overdue! First, I put an offer on a house in AUGUST 19 (5 months ago today - exactly). I got approval on the first loan back in November, and am still waiting on the bank to take it's sweet sweet time in approving the second. It's a bit ridiculous, but it's pretty much everything I wanted. I've already told myself that if it falls through, I'm not meant to be a homeowner at this point in my life and Greg and I will get an apartment together after the wedding.
Additionally, I'm also waiting to hear about an advising job - something I've wanted to do since I started in higher education. Both situations are out of my control...and both situations are excruciatingly aggravating. And these predicaments both require patience, something I don't have much of to begin with. And since my patience is wearing thinner by the day, I'm falling into bad habits - comfort eating, not going to the gym, and getting mopey. Unacceptable - this does not help me achieve my goals. So since tomorrow is a new day, I will force myself to snap out of it, eat a healthy breakfast, and get my butt to the gym at lunch (so I can't talk myself out if it!!).
In other - amazing - news, Greg and I are engaged! We've been having a blast planning the wedding thus far. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life with my best friend - the man who loves me and understands me, even when I'm in the worst funk ever. So when I think about it this way...I should just drop this funk and get happy. Done...I hope!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Moving Forward Again!
This week has gone well. I've been eating well and tracking my calories again. But even better, and more important, I can feel my attitude improving! I WANT to be healthy again - it's not a chore. I WANT to make the right decisions like eating well, maintaining a certain caloric intake, and going to the gym. What a great feeling! Now I'm not going to kid myself and act like I'll never slide again, because I know I will...but now I know what it feels like, and how to pull out of it faster.
I read a great article at SparkPeople today that described exactly what happened to me - it's called "Toxic Guilt". In essence, rather than hearing my conscience speak BEFORE I did something silly (like fool around online instead of go to the gym, or eat a big vat of fries instead of salad), it had no choice but to start beating me into submission after the fact, because I didn't listen. It said, "Rachel, why did you do that? Now you feel like crap don't you. Well good, then don't do it again!" But instead of this having a positive effect on me, it backfired. See, I'm like a majority of the population - when I don't feel good about myself (especially my weight) I eat. I eat whatever sounds good, whatever I want, and whatever is available...and these items are usually not the most healthy. So I would drown out my conscience even more, until I woke up feeling like crap the next morning, and so on and so forth until I feel totally lost. Oy vey! At this point, my poor, poor neglected conscience has no choice but to yell at me more, thus continuing the downward spiral until I take the reigns again and CHOOSE to stop the cycle.
I thoroughly enjoyed the three step process the author of this article gave for "ending the toxic guilt trip". They are:
1. When you start to hear something that might be your quiet conscience, stop for a minute and ask yourself, "Is this what I REALLY want to do?" Most of the time I would probably say no, but I never even give myself time to think about it - I'm too hungry, stressed, or defeated to think about it. I just want that instant gratification! Ah, the curse of humanity. So from now on, I will try to sharpen my poor conscience so I can sharpen it and better myself. (Subsequently, this is also what's been happening to me in the morning - my conscience is telling me to get up with the alarm, but I want ot keep sleeping - with full knowledge that it's not going to do me an ounce of good - so I do! No more!)
2. If you agree with the voice, decide not to do the action in question. If you disagree, DECIDE to do it. And if you're not sure, try to postpone the decision until you've had more time to sort it out. Yeah. I need to agree with it, because my conscience is ALMOST ALWAYS right. Sorry conscience!!
3. After you've made your decision, act! Take a few more seconds to notice how you feel about what you just did. File this in the memory banks for future reference. See, I do this, but only when I feel good about what I do...sadly that bank is FAR from full. I need to learn to do this when I feel badly about the decision as well, instead of pushing away the guilt - I need to allow the feeling to do it's job.
These steps apply to many areas of my life, not just diet/exercise. This applies to my recent "Unproductive Saturday" binge. After I watch the stupid, brainless VH1 show that actually decreases my intelligence, I need to do my schoolwork, so I don't stress myself out the rest of the week. I need to wake up in the mornings. I need to go to the gym. I need to treat Greg the way I know he deserves to be treated (and the way I WANT to treat him) no matter how I'm feeling or how bad of a day I had. I need to call my family more. I need to continue developing myself. I need to utilize my time better and stay more organized. I need to wash the dishes. I need to go out with friends more. You get the point....
Thanks SparkPeople. As always you have succeeded in boosting my motivation factor, once I gave you a chance!
I read a great article at SparkPeople today that described exactly what happened to me - it's called "Toxic Guilt". In essence, rather than hearing my conscience speak BEFORE I did something silly (like fool around online instead of go to the gym, or eat a big vat of fries instead of salad), it had no choice but to start beating me into submission after the fact, because I didn't listen. It said, "Rachel, why did you do that? Now you feel like crap don't you. Well good, then don't do it again!" But instead of this having a positive effect on me, it backfired. See, I'm like a majority of the population - when I don't feel good about myself (especially my weight) I eat. I eat whatever sounds good, whatever I want, and whatever is available...and these items are usually not the most healthy. So I would drown out my conscience even more, until I woke up feeling like crap the next morning, and so on and so forth until I feel totally lost. Oy vey! At this point, my poor, poor neglected conscience has no choice but to yell at me more, thus continuing the downward spiral until I take the reigns again and CHOOSE to stop the cycle.
I thoroughly enjoyed the three step process the author of this article gave for "ending the toxic guilt trip". They are:
1. When you start to hear something that might be your quiet conscience, stop for a minute and ask yourself, "Is this what I REALLY want to do?" Most of the time I would probably say no, but I never even give myself time to think about it - I'm too hungry, stressed, or defeated to think about it. I just want that instant gratification! Ah, the curse of humanity. So from now on, I will try to sharpen my poor conscience so I can sharpen it and better myself. (Subsequently, this is also what's been happening to me in the morning - my conscience is telling me to get up with the alarm, but I want ot keep sleeping - with full knowledge that it's not going to do me an ounce of good - so I do! No more!)
2. If you agree with the voice, decide not to do the action in question. If you disagree, DECIDE to do it. And if you're not sure, try to postpone the decision until you've had more time to sort it out. Yeah. I need to agree with it, because my conscience is ALMOST ALWAYS right. Sorry conscience!!
3. After you've made your decision, act! Take a few more seconds to notice how you feel about what you just did. File this in the memory banks for future reference. See, I do this, but only when I feel good about what I do...sadly that bank is FAR from full. I need to learn to do this when I feel badly about the decision as well, instead of pushing away the guilt - I need to allow the feeling to do it's job.
These steps apply to many areas of my life, not just diet/exercise. This applies to my recent "Unproductive Saturday" binge. After I watch the stupid, brainless VH1 show that actually decreases my intelligence, I need to do my schoolwork, so I don't stress myself out the rest of the week. I need to wake up in the mornings. I need to go to the gym. I need to treat Greg the way I know he deserves to be treated (and the way I WANT to treat him) no matter how I'm feeling or how bad of a day I had. I need to call my family more. I need to continue developing myself. I need to utilize my time better and stay more organized. I need to wash the dishes. I need to go out with friends more. You get the point....
Thanks SparkPeople. As always you have succeeded in boosting my motivation factor, once I gave you a chance!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Finding the Balance
After all, that is what this blog is all about right? Honestly, I've been doing "okay" since my post about 3 weeks ago. I've had some very good days, and some days where I thought "Ah, heck with it! I want a burger!" Overall, I've felt good about myself. I'd like to workout more, but my work that will come when I make it a priority. I'm not sure that I'll reach my goal, but to be honest, I'm more concerned with the journey. So that's my update for now, because I've got a lot of other items on the brain.
I think a large part of my apparent "lack of prioritization" lately is that I feel like I've lost my soul. Don't get me wrong, my job is decent, and I'm very thankful for it...but I have yet to do work that I feel even somewhat passionate about. I feel like I'm making no impact, and impact is very important to me. I'm also not a "sit in the background" type person - I like to be where the action is. For a majority of my professional career, I've felt bad about that, but I won't allow it anymore...that's who I am. I'm a take action, get it done, go for it type of person. I am NOT a "sit back and do the logistics type of person. Anyone who knows me well should pick up on that pretty quick. So why can't I?
I'm planning on having some REAL conversations with some co-workers outside my realm soon. I'm done with my degree in December and I'm ready to move into some work where I'm really utilized. I want to go home (or to the gym) at the end of the day feeling like I've really earned my paycheck every day. There are numerous areas I'm looking into, and I want to consider them all very seriously; I'm not sad to say that administrative support is not one of them...although I do like having a fair deal of customer service in my role. I'm looking forward to these talks and where they may lead. I'm also seriously considering looking into the "creative" side of things - I love to write, I love to read, I love to take pictures, I love to scrapbook...why the heck not; let's see if some of those things can be put to use!
So in essence, I might be on here more while I consider all these varied options, and I might not. I hope to be, since I sort things out best when I write, but I haven't been making it a priority as of late (which is obvious). Once my priorities are a bit more in check, you'll see more of me. So if you haven't seen much activity on here, feel free to send me an electronic kick-in-the butt. Or if you have any ideas of what you think I might be good at, feel free to let me know...I feel as though I have numerous blind spots right now. Thanks for reading!
I think a large part of my apparent "lack of prioritization" lately is that I feel like I've lost my soul. Don't get me wrong, my job is decent, and I'm very thankful for it...but I have yet to do work that I feel even somewhat passionate about. I feel like I'm making no impact, and impact is very important to me. I'm also not a "sit in the background" type person - I like to be where the action is. For a majority of my professional career, I've felt bad about that, but I won't allow it anymore...that's who I am. I'm a take action, get it done, go for it type of person. I am NOT a "sit back and do the logistics type of person. Anyone who knows me well should pick up on that pretty quick. So why can't I?
I'm planning on having some REAL conversations with some co-workers outside my realm soon. I'm done with my degree in December and I'm ready to move into some work where I'm really utilized. I want to go home (or to the gym) at the end of the day feeling like I've really earned my paycheck every day. There are numerous areas I'm looking into, and I want to consider them all very seriously; I'm not sad to say that administrative support is not one of them...although I do like having a fair deal of customer service in my role. I'm looking forward to these talks and where they may lead. I'm also seriously considering looking into the "creative" side of things - I love to write, I love to read, I love to take pictures, I love to scrapbook...why the heck not; let's see if some of those things can be put to use!
So in essence, I might be on here more while I consider all these varied options, and I might not. I hope to be, since I sort things out best when I write, but I haven't been making it a priority as of late (which is obvious). Once my priorities are a bit more in check, you'll see more of me. So if you haven't seen much activity on here, feel free to send me an electronic kick-in-the butt. Or if you have any ideas of what you think I might be good at, feel free to let me know...I feel as though I have numerous blind spots right now. Thanks for reading!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
New Blog Focus.....for now
There is one area of my life that I've been struggling with, and desperately want to make it a priority. I thank my amazing friend Jessica for inspiring me to continue on the journey, rather than standing still or moving backwards, as I have been. I want to be healthy again....and not just to lose weight, but to really feel like I'm in control of my health - especially my habits.
So I am thus forth challenging myself to write on this blog AT LEAST once a week to chronicle how I did that particular week - strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, inspiration and hardships.
You see, the reason I've been stagnant for so long (since about June) is because I feel like I have ZERO motivation. Part of this is because I don't have a lot of physical support. Greg is wonderful and supports me whenever I bring it up (and he's even bought me a couple of GREAT books to help come up with recipes etc.) but at the same time, I lack that inner motivation you can only find when really partnering in the journey. I also have a lot of motivation via sparkpeople, but that's online...and only relevant when I check the website (which has been sporadic at best). So therefore, I am vowing to form a partnership with myself...and anyone who reads this blog.
Let's evaluate this week thus far. I've been doing fairly well on the eating front. I'm not sure how well as I have not been tracking my food on the wonderful website mentioned above. I feel fairly confident about my eating and am only splurging every once in a while. Exercise is a whole different story. I haven't been to the gym in about two weeks, I rarely walk home anymore (because the boy has been picking me up a lot), and I sit on my butt all day at work. I'm struggling to find a way to vary my workouts so I don't become bored and unchallenged, which at the same time trying to deal with the fact that I hate the gym I belong to. I'm hoping to change that in the near future, but I can't just sit around until that point. So I need to suck it up and get in a routine PRONTO! So this week I will be better about tracking food and get back to the gym. No specifics, just getting back in the swing of things.
Keep posted for regular updates.
So I am thus forth challenging myself to write on this blog AT LEAST once a week to chronicle how I did that particular week - strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, inspiration and hardships.
You see, the reason I've been stagnant for so long (since about June) is because I feel like I have ZERO motivation. Part of this is because I don't have a lot of physical support. Greg is wonderful and supports me whenever I bring it up (and he's even bought me a couple of GREAT books to help come up with recipes etc.) but at the same time, I lack that inner motivation you can only find when really partnering in the journey. I also have a lot of motivation via sparkpeople, but that's online...and only relevant when I check the website (which has been sporadic at best). So therefore, I am vowing to form a partnership with myself...and anyone who reads this blog.
Let's evaluate this week thus far. I've been doing fairly well on the eating front. I'm not sure how well as I have not been tracking my food on the wonderful website mentioned above. I feel fairly confident about my eating and am only splurging every once in a while. Exercise is a whole different story. I haven't been to the gym in about two weeks, I rarely walk home anymore (because the boy has been picking me up a lot), and I sit on my butt all day at work. I'm struggling to find a way to vary my workouts so I don't become bored and unchallenged, which at the same time trying to deal with the fact that I hate the gym I belong to. I'm hoping to change that in the near future, but I can't just sit around until that point. So I need to suck it up and get in a routine PRONTO! So this week I will be better about tracking food and get back to the gym. No specifics, just getting back in the swing of things.
Keep posted for regular updates.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Finally coming up for air....
....but I'm not sure I like what I'm seeing. I have been so consumed with work and school lately that I have neglected the parts of my life that I love to focus on most - my relationship(s) and my health. Now, when I say I've neglected my "relationship(s)", I don't mean that they are bad in any way, but rather that I have not been able to put the amount of energy I want into them. Since I find relationships to be one of, if not THE, most rewarding endeavors on this Earth, it's hard when I'm not able to put focus there. I have not been able to display romance to the love of my life the way I would like to. I have not been able to deepen and cultivate the few meaningful friendship I have on this coast. And I definitely have not been strengthening my relationship with God they way I want or need to. So yeah...I'll be glad when I can switch gears.
Additionally, my health routine has been like a yo-yo. I'm GREAT one week, cruddy the next. I just need to change my mindset. I thought I was there, but I'm not. But then again, has anyone ever really arrived at a stage where healthy choices are no longer tough? Where they will take the banana over the milkshake on a hot summer day in the park? Or the whole wheat, turkey sandwich over the Five Guys burger? No, I'm not saying I haven't had my moments where I truly craved the healthier options, but I'm not there now. So I guess I'm pondering whether or not there is a point where you will crave the healthy option EVERY time. I may never discover the answer to this.
I think what has made it most difficult is that, we as humans only have so much willpower. This semester has been rough, both at work and at school, so much of my willpower has been going toward those endeavors, so I don't have as much left when it reaches the end of the day and I can choose to hang out with a friend, do something romantic, or go to the gym. Sometimes I'd rather just go home, eat some pizza or whatever, and go to bed. But I have to rearrange my priorities.
Okay, I know this is a very frazzled, random post, but I guess that's a pretty clear snapshot into my head right now. I'm gonna walk home, eat something nutritious, and do something good for myself, so I have the energy to put toward health and relationships.
So there you have it...I'm up for air. Hopefully now that I'm taking in oxygen again, I'll be posting more often as well - but no promises. :)
Additionally, my health routine has been like a yo-yo. I'm GREAT one week, cruddy the next. I just need to change my mindset. I thought I was there, but I'm not. But then again, has anyone ever really arrived at a stage where healthy choices are no longer tough? Where they will take the banana over the milkshake on a hot summer day in the park? Or the whole wheat, turkey sandwich over the Five Guys burger? No, I'm not saying I haven't had my moments where I truly craved the healthier options, but I'm not there now. So I guess I'm pondering whether or not there is a point where you will crave the healthy option EVERY time. I may never discover the answer to this.
I think what has made it most difficult is that, we as humans only have so much willpower. This semester has been rough, both at work and at school, so much of my willpower has been going toward those endeavors, so I don't have as much left when it reaches the end of the day and I can choose to hang out with a friend, do something romantic, or go to the gym. Sometimes I'd rather just go home, eat some pizza or whatever, and go to bed. But I have to rearrange my priorities.
Okay, I know this is a very frazzled, random post, but I guess that's a pretty clear snapshot into my head right now. I'm gonna walk home, eat something nutritious, and do something good for myself, so I have the energy to put toward health and relationships.
So there you have it...I'm up for air. Hopefully now that I'm taking in oxygen again, I'll be posting more often as well - but no promises. :)
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Reframing Disappointment
Thankfully, the time for being overwhelmed is over. However, the time for frustration has commenced. Yesterday, I was informed of what I believe to be an unfair grade. Instead of pouting and whining in my usual way, which I will admit I did for a while, I am trying to learn from the situation, realizing that it will not be the end of the world and won't prevent me from graduating...so why waste my time. As many of you may know, I learn and reflect best through writing, so I want to share the situation here.
Yesterday, I went to pick up my final paper/course grade from the Graduate School of Education and Human Development building. This class was a hard course, so I wasn't expecting an A, but an A- or B+ would have been nice to see. However, instead I saw a "B" for my final paper and a "B-" for my course grade with absolutely no explanation. I promptly e-mailed the professor yesterday morning, but did not hear back until about 4:30 p.m. When we spoke, he told me of a situation that I was surprised he was upset with. The gist of the story is this: I had a lot of friends who had previously taken his course and, being the person I am, I talk to them outside of class. One person mentioned a principle we had not yet talked about in class because it directly related to some of the ideas I was contemplating for my case study. Being the curious soul that I am, I asked her to explain and she did. Somewhat forgetting this situation, we started going over these concepts in class and when he asked the question about the concept my friend and I had discussed, I answered, probably too quickly I will admit. Because I was unable to answer how I figured that out to his liking, and didn't scream out "I talked to someone else about these concepts out of class", and also because I didn't go up to him after class and apologize, he pretty much tanked my class participation grade. In his opinion, it disrupted class and prevented valuable discussion and learning from taking place. I can understand where he is coming from to an extent, but at the same time, if he was troubled by that, he should have said that after class. All in all, I did learn some lessons, but I don't feel I should be "punished" for my action. I believe the rest of my engaged participation should at LEAST neutralize this supposed negative instance. I don't know, I'm a bit disturbed by the whole situation, but it's completely out of my hands now.
So what can I learn from this situation. There are a lot of completely sarcastic answers I could offer. However, at the end of the day, I will learn to humble myself and admit when I'm wrong. And I will also TRY and learn to not take grades so personally, but still work hard to do the best I can. Overall, grades are subjective, so it's hard.
That being said, let's all hope my professor accepts my apology.
Yesterday, I went to pick up my final paper/course grade from the Graduate School of Education and Human Development building. This class was a hard course, so I wasn't expecting an A, but an A- or B+ would have been nice to see. However, instead I saw a "B" for my final paper and a "B-" for my course grade with absolutely no explanation. I promptly e-mailed the professor yesterday morning, but did not hear back until about 4:30 p.m. When we spoke, he told me of a situation that I was surprised he was upset with. The gist of the story is this: I had a lot of friends who had previously taken his course and, being the person I am, I talk to them outside of class. One person mentioned a principle we had not yet talked about in class because it directly related to some of the ideas I was contemplating for my case study. Being the curious soul that I am, I asked her to explain and she did. Somewhat forgetting this situation, we started going over these concepts in class and when he asked the question about the concept my friend and I had discussed, I answered, probably too quickly I will admit. Because I was unable to answer how I figured that out to his liking, and didn't scream out "I talked to someone else about these concepts out of class", and also because I didn't go up to him after class and apologize, he pretty much tanked my class participation grade. In his opinion, it disrupted class and prevented valuable discussion and learning from taking place. I can understand where he is coming from to an extent, but at the same time, if he was troubled by that, he should have said that after class. All in all, I did learn some lessons, but I don't feel I should be "punished" for my action. I believe the rest of my engaged participation should at LEAST neutralize this supposed negative instance. I don't know, I'm a bit disturbed by the whole situation, but it's completely out of my hands now.
So what can I learn from this situation. There are a lot of completely sarcastic answers I could offer. However, at the end of the day, I will learn to humble myself and admit when I'm wrong. And I will also TRY and learn to not take grades so personally, but still work hard to do the best I can. Overall, grades are subjective, so it's hard.
That being said, let's all hope my professor accepts my apology.
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