Personal Reflection: Judgement and Comparison

This post is a combination of two thoughts that have been the dominating force in my mind lately - judgement and comparison. Both traits have created numerous obstacles for me throughout the entirety of my journey. While I have had some major breakthroughs, I know these traits will not magically disappear (after all, I am human). All I can do is strive to be better each day and become more comfortable and confident with myself in the process. I know I will never be perfect, but I still want to become the best Rachel possible.

I will begin with a reflection on a fellow blogger's post from December. The title, Judged If You Do; Judged If You Don't, really captures how I've been feeling lately. Granted, I'm not in the same situation as the author - who is about to give birth - but I am in the midst of some large life decisions (and will most likely be in her position a few years from now).

In essence, I'm not liking this whole "wake up, embark on a horrid commute, spend 8-10 hours at a job I don't love, leave exhausted and unmotivated, embark on the same horrid commute - only backwards, get home, do some half-hearted cleaning, eat dinner (which equates to 'quality time' with my husband), and fall asleep on the couch watching a rerun of whatever television drama is on that particular evening" routine. In fact, I loathe it! This is not the life I want; it is definitely not the life I dream about.

But this is where I'm at. And it seems that every time I get a small tinge of motivation to create a life outside the norm, I feel judged or ridiculed. But Rachel, don't you want security? Don't you want to retire? Don't you want to make a difference? Don't you want to be part of the bigger picture? [Side note: now that I work for the government, I get this push back more than ever...because government and security are synonymous in the eyes of most people]. Yes, I do desire these things; but my definitions of security, retirement, and the bigger picture are not the same as the norm society embraces.

Conversely, I also feel judged by those on the opposite end of the spectrum, who are currently making a life of their own, for sticking it out where I'm at until my goals and aspirations are a little more concrete. I feel pressured to dive straight in and go for it - throw caution to the wind. And so I feel stuck - trapped in this endless internal battle. Should I follow the traditional path, move toward the unestablished route, or break off in my own direction? There are pros and cons to each scenario.

As mentioned in the cited blog post, we must shift the focus from external to internal. Rather than asking how I can seem successful to others, I need to be asking how I can feel successful by my own accord. What will help me create value for others? What will allow me to give back to the world, rather than just take from it? How can I live in alignment with my most deep-seated values on a daily basis: relationships, faith, health, creativity, financial freedom, and balance? This is something only I can figure out - nobody else can do it for me. In fact, more often than not, others will try to pull me down as I get closer to my dreams. I have allowed this to knock me off track before, but as my reasons for creating this balanced life (having children and fostering a healthy family) loom closer, my motivation is at an all time high.

I will no longer allow the judgment of others - in either direction - to heavily influence me. I will base my decisions on the lifestyle my husband and I want to achieve. We will consult each other, not the world at large.

In addition to these thoughts on judgement, I've also been dealing heavily with my arch nemesis: comparison! For a while, I was allowing it to get the best of me - which is why January and February have been a bit frustrating (and lacking in reflection). However, I was listening to a motivational track in my car the other day and heard something that really stuck with me: rather than base our improvement or success on comparison with others, we must base it on comparison with ourselves. This means we should strive only to be better than we were the day before - not better than anyone else. As I have painfully learned time and time again, comparison to others will only serve to bring me down. It's time to start comparing the Rachel today with the Rachel of yesterday. Is she closer to achieving her dreams? Is she healthier, more confident, more self-aware, more experienced in her passions and talents? Is she more the Rachel I long to be?

Now that I'm entering the final year of my twenty-somethings, it's time to stop reflecting on these ideals and start acting. Right now, I can honestly say that for the most part, the Rachel of today IS better than the Rachel of yesterday. And with what I've got planned for this final year before I hit the big 3-0, it's only going to get better from here, regardless of who may be judging me.