My Lenten Endeavor

I feel like I have completely lost my touch for explaining things - for telling stories - for using words.

But that statement begs the question - did I ever have this gift to begin with? I believe I did! When I was in middle school, I distinctly remember my mother telling me how when I was very young - before I was “poisoned” by the public school system - I used to correct my brother’s grammar. My brother is 5 years my senior. There are two possible explanations for this: 1) I learned great grammar from my mother; or 2) I was born with a natural gift for words. I choose to believe the latter.

Whenever I begin to ponder or question my career path, I think back on one of the more influential weeks of teaching during my time in Altensteig, Germany. The incredible speakers - Frank and Catherine Fabiano - discussed how the dreams we have as children about what we want to be when we grow up are parallels of our intended professional purpose. Often, our real calling is an echo of that childhood dream. When we are young children, we aren’t jaded by all the “No You Can’t”s and all the “truths” about the “real world”. We aren’t afraid to dream - mostly because when we are very young, nobody shoots down those dreams. But then comes adolescence, the time when we should really be focused on discovering our talents, our passions, ourselves. But guess what we run into instead? Discouragement! “You can’t do that!” “That’s not realistic!” “Very few people can make a career of that, what makes YOU special?”. Or my personal favorite, as quoted by +6 in her talk on creativity at the TED conference, “Aren’t you afraid that you’re gonna work your whole life at this craft and nothing’s ever gonna come of it and you’re gonna die on a scrap heap of broken dreams with your mouth filled with bitter ash of failure?”

And as hard as some of us may try to deny it, this crap that is so often slung sticks. It sticks to our hearts and to our souls. We start to doubt ourselves. Am I different? What am I good at? Although all the posters in the cafeteria say “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll land among the stars”, or some other cheesy, feel good, Successories quote, that’s often not what we’re hearing - from peers, from parents, from teachers, or from mentors. We’re told to pursue our dreams, but with caution. We should have a plan B. We should think about what else we could do, in case that idea fails. Now while I am a planner, and also a huge fan of having a back-up one, I believe this sends the wrong message...especially this early in life. Because then we head off to college thinking something along these lines: “Well, I really want to be a Doctor, but that’s hard and requires a TON of schooling, so maybe I’ll be a science teacher instead. Actually, teaching can be really competitive too, and it also doesn’t pay a whole lot. But hey, you know what does pay a lot, and is always reliable? Business. Yeah, I’ll major in business, because then I'll have a lot of options.” So we graduate college, and start pursuing all our “options”, only to take the first job we're offered - which unfortunately poisons our creativity and confidence for years to come. And from this point forward, our career turns into a series of seemingly “smart” decisions, which lands us on the cusp of 30 with a “survivable” office job and a hellish commute.

This is exactly how I view my career path up to this point. Of course there are a few more twists and turns, but I won’t bore you with the details. But at least all of this led me to my husband, who is my real reason for wanting more out of life. Maybe I had to go through all of this to meet him. Maybe I had to go through all of this to come back around to my passions for writing and photography - or maybe not. I choose to believe the former.

I also choose to believe that life always brings us to precisely where we are supposed to be. I know I am here for a reason - in this job, in this city, in this condo. I don’t have to understand the reasons, but I must accept them. And how do I go on from here? I seek the next step. I don’t just take what is offered anymore, I SEEK the next step. Big difference. So that is what I’m doing. I’m seeking through my writing - through my photography - through my moments of silence.

And THAT is why I have chosen to both give up something and add something for the 40 days of Lent. I have chosen to give up the biggest time waster of my life - crappy television (yes, I admit that I used to indulge in it far too frequently, but no longer). And instead, the time I would usually spend watching mindless television will be spent writing, reading, and watching interesting, thought provoking films and documentaries to gain inspiration. I will rediscover myself through writing. I may never become a writer to the world, but I must become a writer for me.

And so begins my Lenten endeavor.

Journey to Thirty

This afternoon, just before leaving work, I had one of those conversations that caused me to shift my paradigm oh so slightly. It was with a friend who is currently living and working in Germany, and a woman who has become a major role model for me in recent years. Before her 30th birthday, she resolved to lose weight and quit her job, no matter what. And she did it - in style (hence the whole Germany thing)!

So today, on the eve of my 29th birthday, I asked her a simple question: "Any tips for my last year as a 20-something?" This broad question brought on a short, but sweet and powerful conversation. First and foremost, she said to set goals; selfish goals that must absolutely be achieved by the time I reach 30!

From there, she went on to say that in the process of achieving her goals she had also, subconsciously, resolved to become more like the person she knew and loved before the DC rat race brought her down. During her time in "Corporate America" she had lost herself - lost sight of her strengths and passions. Boy doesn't THAT sound familiar?!

We discussed how she believes our generation has been wronged by those who've indoctrinated us to believe that we are failures if our work doesn't absolutely correlate with our passions. She essentially called BS, claiming that she had no idea what she wanted to do with her life or career and fully embraced that fact. I have mad respect for this woman!

I think the subsequent paradigm shift I plan to make will be the most vital one in the history of my career. I want to gravitate toward work that either: 1) allows me to indulge in my creative passions and longing to be intellectually stimulated and challenged while at work, or 2) allows me the flexibility to indulge in said passions and stimulating/challenging pursuits outside of work. THAT is where I want to focus professionally. So whether it be photography, Arbonne, a regular 9 to 5, or something completely different, I plan to find out what this means for me!

Rediscovering my passions, investing in my health, and finding a way to consistently indulge in both pursuits for the rest of my life...THIS will be my journey to 30!

Personal Reflection: Judgement and Comparison

This post is a combination of two thoughts that have been the dominating force in my mind lately - judgement and comparison. Both traits have created numerous obstacles for me throughout the entirety of my journey. While I have had some major breakthroughs, I know these traits will not magically disappear (after all, I am human). All I can do is strive to be better each day and become more comfortable and confident with myself in the process. I know I will never be perfect, but I still want to become the best Rachel possible.

I will begin with a reflection on a fellow blogger's post from December. The title, Judged If You Do; Judged If You Don't, really captures how I've been feeling lately. Granted, I'm not in the same situation as the author - who is about to give birth - but I am in the midst of some large life decisions (and will most likely be in her position a few years from now).

In essence, I'm not liking this whole "wake up, embark on a horrid commute, spend 8-10 hours at a job I don't love, leave exhausted and unmotivated, embark on the same horrid commute - only backwards, get home, do some half-hearted cleaning, eat dinner (which equates to 'quality time' with my husband), and fall asleep on the couch watching a rerun of whatever television drama is on that particular evening" routine. In fact, I loathe it! This is not the life I want; it is definitely not the life I dream about.

But this is where I'm at. And it seems that every time I get a small tinge of motivation to create a life outside the norm, I feel judged or ridiculed. But Rachel, don't you want security? Don't you want to retire? Don't you want to make a difference? Don't you want to be part of the bigger picture? [Side note: now that I work for the government, I get this push back more than ever...because government and security are synonymous in the eyes of most people]. Yes, I do desire these things; but my definitions of security, retirement, and the bigger picture are not the same as the norm society embraces.

Conversely, I also feel judged by those on the opposite end of the spectrum, who are currently making a life of their own, for sticking it out where I'm at until my goals and aspirations are a little more concrete. I feel pressured to dive straight in and go for it - throw caution to the wind. And so I feel stuck - trapped in this endless internal battle. Should I follow the traditional path, move toward the unestablished route, or break off in my own direction? There are pros and cons to each scenario.

As mentioned in the cited blog post, we must shift the focus from external to internal. Rather than asking how I can seem successful to others, I need to be asking how I can feel successful by my own accord. What will help me create value for others? What will allow me to give back to the world, rather than just take from it? How can I live in alignment with my most deep-seated values on a daily basis: relationships, faith, health, creativity, financial freedom, and balance? This is something only I can figure out - nobody else can do it for me. In fact, more often than not, others will try to pull me down as I get closer to my dreams. I have allowed this to knock me off track before, but as my reasons for creating this balanced life (having children and fostering a healthy family) loom closer, my motivation is at an all time high.

I will no longer allow the judgment of others - in either direction - to heavily influence me. I will base my decisions on the lifestyle my husband and I want to achieve. We will consult each other, not the world at large.

In addition to these thoughts on judgement, I've also been dealing heavily with my arch nemesis: comparison! For a while, I was allowing it to get the best of me - which is why January and February have been a bit frustrating (and lacking in reflection). However, I was listening to a motivational track in my car the other day and heard something that really stuck with me: rather than base our improvement or success on comparison with others, we must base it on comparison with ourselves. This means we should strive only to be better than we were the day before - not better than anyone else. As I have painfully learned time and time again, comparison to others will only serve to bring me down. It's time to start comparing the Rachel today with the Rachel of yesterday. Is she closer to achieving her dreams? Is she healthier, more confident, more self-aware, more experienced in her passions and talents? Is she more the Rachel I long to be?

Now that I'm entering the final year of my twenty-somethings, it's time to stop reflecting on these ideals and start acting. Right now, I can honestly say that for the most part, the Rachel of today IS better than the Rachel of yesterday. And with what I've got planned for this final year before I hit the big 3-0, it's only going to get better from here, regardless of who may be judging me.

Thank You Jenny

I don't know who you are, or if Jenny is your real name, but thank you. Thank you for helping me rise to the occasion, even when my selfish, skeptical nature told me I should just avoid the situation and look out for #1. Thank you for helping me break the destructive mold I've been headed in. Thank you for helping me re-learn what it is to truly care for others, and sacrifice on their behalf. And thank you for allowing me to be there for you, in your time of need.

Who is Jenny you may ask? I don't know, exactly. I just know she was a woman in need, and one who was able to break through my slowly hardening shell. You see, I've become obsessed with money, and my goals, and all sorts of meaningful, yet material things. Yes, financial health is important, but not as important as a stranded daughter getting to the hospital to see her fragile mother. Yes we should be careful stewards of the things we are given, but being a steward requires giving it away when asked.

You see, giving is something I've grown less and less "good at" lately. Of course I'm still giving to those I know, but what about those in need, whom I haven't had the chance of meeting yet. I haven't been giving the way I'd like to, and I always find an excuse when the opportunity arises. I have a savings goal. My husband in back in school - that costs money. Taxes are due. Just let me finish building my emergency fund first.

I had a conversation with a very dear friend right after I met Jenny, because she is someone I look up to in the area of giving to others - I thought she would help me make sense of the situation. You know what she told me? "Giving is a sacrifice. It's giving up your morning coffee or that pair of jeans so that you can help someone else. It's not just giving when it can be recorded for a tax write-off." Thank you friend! And thank you Jenny. Thank you for helping me access that part of my heart again - the part that longs to give to others in a way that will make a difference in their life. Thank you for helping me touch the life of another.

My First Ever Guest Post!

I'm excited to announce that my first-ever "guest post" was published today over at one of my favorite blogs- 2000 Dollar Wedding. The author, Sara, is an incredible woman focused on practical and purposeful living. You should definitely check out her blog, and not only because of my post.

The entry, entitled "A Tale of Two Receptions", describes why Greg and I chose to have two receptions and why we think others should consider it as well. Hope you enjoy!

2010: The "Epic" Year of New Beginnings - 2011: Reflection and Reevaluation

When I jokingly stated last New Years Day how "Epic" 2010 was going to be, I had no idea just how correct that statement was. This past year brought some new friends, a new house, a new career, a new part-time job, a new car (unintentionally), and, most importantly, a new husband! I'd say that's definitely epic...at least for me.

2010 had it's ups and downs, it's trials and triumphs, and it's fair share of stressors. Looking back, the last 365 days have brought more good to my life than I ever imagined possible in such a short period of time. However, all these new beginnings have also made me more aware of some excess in my life - some things that are holding me back from reaching full potential. Some of these "things" are relationships and others are habits. I'll write a post later about unhealthy relationships, but let me be brief right now and say that, this year, I have become more aware of some relationships that, more often than not, cause me to doubt myself, question my personality, and just plain bring me down. Those relationships need to stop eating both my time and my energy. While I'm not particularly fond of just cutting people off, I am a proponent of discontinuing the expectations on my side of the table. If people change and come back around and want to revisit the relationship, that's one thing, but I will cease expending the energy to keep the relationship going by myself. It's not healthy, it's not right, and it's not real friendship.

Part of the reason I've accumulated some of these relationships stems from my lack of true friendship since moving to the East Coast just over 5 years ago. I grew so tired of being alone and friendless that I often grasped on to anything disguising itself as friendship and held on with an iron grip. This has happened to me at least a few times, but it became much more obvious this year. In the past, I have settled; instead of seeking out people I admired, respected, and truly wanted as a big part of my life, I befriended people who seemed to like me and were willing to hang out on a semi-regular basis. While I realize that this is how most friendships (and romantic relationships) start, there comes a crucial point where I need to make a decision of just how far I want this to go. I don't take friendship lightly - I go deep. And because I'm such a trusting person, it usually doesn't take me very long to go deep. While this can be a very good thing, it is also what causes me to get hurt, usually very badly. If someone barely knows me and rejects me, that's one thing. If someone knows me on a pretty deep level and rejects me, that's a major blow! (Side note: my husband has a great perspective on this; he let's people in and gives them the benefit of the doubt only until a certain level. Then, once that individual has proven himself, he opens up, goes deeper, and begins a true friendship. Acquaintances, then friends. I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot from him.)

With all that in mind, here is a summary of the primary lesson I learned regarding friendships in 2010.

All relationships are based on or centered around something. Some friendships revolve around whining about boys. As I look back on many of my high school/college relationships, this was the common denominator I had with a good chunk of my girlfriends - we whined about boys: those we were dating, those we wanted to date, and those we could not believe were dating that other girl! Another chunk of my friendships revolved around school - having the same majors, the same classes, the same activities; that's how we met, that's how we connected, and that's why we stayed friends. And more recently, a big chunk of my friendships have revolved around work (which is basically the grown-up version of school). I met and bonded with people who were in the same office, the same profession, or the same building. Again, that's why we stay friends. In ALL of these situations, the minute I take away that common denominator - bad boys, school, extracurricular activities, or work - the relationship is put to the test. This is when most of the relationships fizzle, and become merely acquaintanceship or, in worse situations, toxic. For some reason, this didn't occur to me on the deep "a-ha!" level until this year. Some of these friendships will last, because the connection goes beyond that largest common denominator, but many won't and don't. In short, I finally figured out the meaning of a line in the song "Wear Sunscreen" by Baz Luhrman: "friends come and go, but to a precious few you should hold on".

And now for the other part of my life which needs to be severely reevaluated this year - my habits. I won't go into too much detail here, as I've chronicled a good majority of these habits in past blog posts: lack of passion, laziness/procrastination, comparison, jealousy, poor stress-management, time-wasting, and poor health choices to name a few. Though I've been dealing with (or attempting to deal with) many of these issues for as long as I can remember, I've learned a LOT about myself in the past few years. Additionally, as much as I wanted to make some changes during this past year, it was not possible with all the input I had coming at me. There is only so much reflection and reevaluation that can happen while planning a wedding, buying a house, starting a new job, etc. But I am determined to make this year one in which I slow down and really figure out what matters most in my life. Is it a better use of my time to peruse Facebook and see what others are up to, or work on my photography hobby? Is it better to spend quiet time with my new husband and strengthen our relationship, or watch another crappy show on MTV? Should I head to the gym or cook a healthy meal, or stay at work and get one more thing knocked off my to-do list? When my priorities are straight, I know the answers. When my priorities are out of whack, it's not quite as easy to make the right choice. So this year, it is my goal to continually make the right choices, and make these choices become habits. It's going to be a long road, and I'll mess up - probably a lot - and it won't happen in one year. But I'm determined to start down this path. I'm determined to be a better person. I'm determined to be my best self, to focus on what matters and reject (or at least minimize) what doesn't.

This year, I am thankful for a husband who will support me with this goal through thick and thin (he definitely prefers the Rachel who has her priorities straight). This year, I plan to become someone who my husband, family, and friends are more thankful to have in their life. This year will bring about a better Rachel. The new Rachel. Rachel Lowe.

The Dark Place

Life has been hard lately. Now, I want to preface this by saying that I know there are many, many people going through way more than me, but that doesn't mean that my struggles aren't hard. I apologize in advance if this turns into a giant venting-whining session, but I've found no other way to get things out. I need to let it out.

So I'm engaged...or at least that's what my left hand tells me. I don't feel engaged. I feel down. I never even get to think about the wedding because I'm in the middle of two other severely huge life transitions right now. I know I chose these transitions, but when I chose them, I didn't think everything would be raining down on me at the same time. Everyone else reminds me of this all the time, but I think I need to continue telling it to myself in order to keep things in perspective - I'm in the midst of three of the biggest life changing events, all at the same time! I'm attempting (fairly unsuccessfully might I add) to buy my first home, I'm attempting (hopefully a bit more successfully) to make a career change - and subsequently hoping it's right for me at this stage of my life, and I'm getting married in October! Honestly, I think most other people I know would be in a mental institution at this point. I should be proud that I'm doing as well as I am.

However, all this shenanigans is beginning to take a toll. I think I feel a bit of indifference coming on and am losing gusto in the weight management game. Since I'm in-between jobs and in-between housing situations, it's been really hard to keep things organized and moving forward on both fronts. And since environment has a huge impact on me, this has been doubly tough. Not only am I dealing with a lot of ambiguity, but I'm also in fairly chaotic environments. So that's been a bit tough. And because the house and job fronts have been so all-consuming, I've had hardly any time to focus on the thing I care most about - my relationship with Greg and the wedding! I honestly can't wait to get back to wedding planning - I've missed it. I only get to be engaged once (Lord willing) and I want to enjoy this time. I want it to bring Greg and I closer. Not that it hasn't done that in some ways, but it hasn't been at all like I pictured - mostly because since the big decisions were made back in January, it hasn't really been going at all. But that time will come soon!

On another note, I haven't been writing hardly at all. I'm starting to learn that I sort things out through writing; so when I fail to do so everything gets all jumbled in my head and stresses me out even more. So I want to start doing more writing - for sure.

Also, I REALLY need to get back to my health routine. I miss, so so miss, feeling good about myself. I was doing so well. I know it's hard to lose weight when I'm stressed, but it's also hard to deal with stress without being healthy. I want to take control of my stress, rather than let it take control of me.

So anyway, that's a broad picture of what's going on with me. Again, sorry this sounds more like a letter of complaint versus a thoughtful blog entry - but my thoughts are pretty much spent right now. Hopefully they'll be back soon. I miss them.