Impatience

**Before I begin my thought, I've noticed that I use a lot of one-word titles. Interesting.

I don't have a scale at home. This means when I go to the gym I am determined to get a good approximation of my weight. Today I was a bit disheartened because I hadn't lost even a quarter of a pound since my last weigh-in on Tuesday. However, I forgot to think about one important fact - girls often gain weight (anywhere from 2-5 pounds in fact) during a particular timeframe each month. I realize this means I probably have lost weight, but even with that knowledge I'm still frustrated. Why do we women do this to ourselves? We finally make a huge decision to change our lifestyles and then get all bent out of shape when we don't lose 10 pounds in a week! I mean I've lost between 3-4 pounds since I started last Tuesday. That's something! I'm trying so hard to learn to accept the fact that even if I only lose 1 pound in a week, I'm still doing something very right. I'm trying to reach my goal weight by July, and even if I only lose the recommended 1-2 pounds per week I'll be well on my way there. I also don't want to consider only weight in this lifestyle change; I need to begin considering size (howt hings fit), health (how I feel), and habits (if the choices I'm making are actually sticking, or if it's another fad). So there is my goal. Now I just need to have some patience in working toward it!

In other news, it's finally spring. Yay for being outdoors!

Run Your Own Run

I went running today....and keep in mind I haven't had a good run in about a week. Last Monday, it was the perfect temperature outside so I decided to forgo the gym. Well, it was also insanely windy out and I accidentally pushed skip on my ipod (which is how I time my runs) so, it was disastrous in two ways. I went to the gym and tried again...and I did it, but JUST BARELY. Needless to say that run did not feel GOOD either. I missed my run this weekend for two reasons: 1) it was rainy and gross outside and 2) I had to drive home to get some homework I had forgotten and DC drivers do not know how to handle their cars in the rain (TRAFFIC). So I tried again this Monday, after hearing a friend tell me that treadmill runs seem shorter/easier when the system is set on random, so I tried that. Well, the prolem is, it had me going uphill for the entire first 1.5 miles. I got to a point where I was so warm and so tired I just couldn't do it anymore. All this being said, I'm proud of myself for how I have performed the last few days.

After deciding that the 2.5 miles was not going to happen on Monday, I got off the treadmill and did the reamining 15 minutes on the ellpitical. This move reminded me of how much I miss my beloved elliptical friend. So Tuesday, I went back to the gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical - about 2 miles. Yesterday, I took a break. Then today, I was back in the gym and completed a 2.4 mile run with a bit slower pace, including a random stop in the middle to tie my rogue shoelace. I'm not the fastest runner in the world, but I've learned that I have to take it at my own pace. Just like they said in my Motorcycle Safety Course (MSF), "ride your own ride"...I needed (and still need) to learn to "run my own run". That's what I plan to do at the 5k in April! I may not run the entire thing, but gosh darn it, I'm going to finish! I am not giving up on my goal!!

In addition to stepping it up with exercise, I have been eating much better and tracking my calories again. I haven't noticed much difference yet, but it's only been a few days. Yay for small victories! My goal is to keep things sustainable and to do this for the sake of health, not the sake of weight.

Struggling and Juggling

Ugh...I seriously hate Mondays. Have I ever mentioned that before? There is something about Monday that just drains all motivation and energy from my being. Perhaps it is because on Sunday, I get to have a lazy day and either do something fun, relaxing, or very productive. And then comes Monday. This semester is especially painful because I have class until 10:00 p.m. on Mondays. So point made - I loathe the day that is Mon.

So how do I overcome this hatred? How do I force myself to start the day on a productive note that will keep me going throughout the day? How do I keep Monday from poisoning the end of my Sunday? These are questions I don't yet know the answer to! And to make matters worse today...I tried going for one of my three weekly runs (to see if that might fuel my motivation) and instead it stifled any ounce of driving force I had left. I only made it through half my run before I just could not force myself to keep going any longer. Thankfully, instead of just quitting, I just changed equipment and went on the elliptical. I will try again tomorrow and see how I do.

I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut again and I'm not sure why. I keep making excuses that I'll do better at things when I'm done with school (e.g. I'll be healthier, I'll go to the gym more, I'll cook more, etc.), but it's not like I have absolutely no time for those things now. I have gotten very, very lazy as of late. During my down time, I'm often not even doing homework...rather I'm wasting away in front of the television or screwing around online. I pretend that I am juggling so many things, but really all I have is work, school, and Greg...I don't have a whole lot else going on in my life. Well, I take that back, I do serve on a board, and try to exercise on a regular basis, so I guess that's a few other things. But the point is, I just feel like I could organize my time SO much better. I could manage myself so much better. I've tried making myself a "schedule" but I have yet to stick to it. I would very much appreciate any suggestions anyone has. In the meantime, I will make myself feel better by knowing that identifying the problem is half the battle.

In the meantime, I will re-evaluate my goals and see where I can best focus my time. And I'll also try to cut myself some slack - being hard on myself will not make things any better. :)

The Almost Awesome Birthday

It was so close! The snow was here, but we still only got a two-hour delay at work. How awesome would it have been to have a snow day for my birthday! Oh well. Anytime my birthday ends up being on a Monday, I pretty much know it's shot...especially when that Monday entails a class until 10:00 p.m. That being said, I've had some very different thoughts about birthdays as of late.

Remember when birthdays used to be such a joyous occasion? Remember when it was fun count down the hours until you turned a certain age (ahem: 21!). I do. I used to love birthdays! Recently, I've actually started to forget two things: 1) how old I am - and dating someone a great deal younger doesn't necessarily help me in that regard; 2) that my birthday is approaching. When I woke up on Monday, I seriously was like "Oh yeah, it's my birthday. I should be excited right?" All this to say, for some reason, birthdays have become pretty anticlimactic (perhaps because it means I'm getting older...AHHH!)

However, I still love having a day where you can spoil yourself for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Therefore, because my "real" birthday was overhauled by work and class, I am officially moving it to Sunday this year. Therefore, I can have a wonderful sunny day and can spend time with the people I love, relax, and do whatever the mood deems worthy.

So, this blog really had nothing to do with balance...but I think that's what's so beautiful about it. The moral of the story - if you want balance, you can't be thinking about it all the time!

I heart Suze Orman

It's Saturday at 9:00 pm, and I'm about to watch Suze Orman. Many of you who know me well have probably realized I love, love, LOVE learning about personal finance. Even though it isn't the most glamorous of subjects right now, I feel now is also the most important time to get smart about finances.

However, I feel that while I'm raving about my passion for personal finance, I must also confess my love/hate relationship with the segment "Can I afford it?" It brings up that whole problem with comparison that I spoke about in a previous entry. It seems that when someone on the show is doing better than me, I get jealous. They have $9000 a month take home? What?!? They already have how many hundred thousand in retirement?!? But then, when there is someone who is in debt, or makes less than me, I feel better. I have a feeling that tonight's show will really test my progression with my comparison issue. However, it's coming up soon next so I'm going to watch and report.
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Alright, I did reasonably well during the segment this week. I still felt those urges like "Holy cow, how does a 31 year old bring home $10k a month?!?!?", but then I realized that she is probably a lawyer or doctor, which is not where I am destined to head with my life. I still have a long way to travel, but I now feel that I at least try to tell myself to stop and to rationalize those jealous claims. This was the first conscious test I've had since writing that past entry, and I think I did well. Now I just need to start making a conscious decision more often. I also need to blog more often....oops! :)

Careerism?

I meant to write this post on Friday night or Saturday afternoon, but by the time my weekend class was over I wanted to head straight home. However, there was something the professor of my financing higher education class said that really hit home, and brought me back to an internal conversation I had been ignoring for a long time.

Although we had eight hours of class time, during which I learned a great deal, there was one particular lesson that struck a personal chord. The professor spoke of the two "diseases" which were most poisonous to today's institutions (and organizations/businesses in general). These two diseases were jobism and careerism. By jobism, he was referring to those people who come into work just to put in their 40 hours and get paid...so they can go get on with their life. Careerism refers to those who are so focused on the next step in their career that they cannot focus on their current position. I'm pretty darn sure I suffer from the second of those diseases.

I'm always thinking to myself "Well, when I finally get a job in this office..." or "Well, when I have less administrative tasks and more fun projects...". I'm also focused on the when and the if, rather than the here and now. It really bothers me, and causes me to wonder when it all started. I'm really trying to watch it so that I not only use this job in order to propel me to where I want to go, but in addition, add some value to the department while I'm here. It's going to be a hard road, considering that my self-esteem is still taking hits every now and then (mostly self-inflicted), but I know I can do it. And you are all more than welcome to hold me to this!

I commit to live in the here and now, not only in life...but at work as well.

Diminishing Comparativeness

First, I wanted to share my success in my completion of the New Years Resolution...I completed my list of 101 things in 1001 days! Woo hoo! I'm also happy to report that I've already knocked off two things by going to Inauguration and the GW Inaugural Ball. This list is very comprehensive and it's completion is just the beginning. Needless to say, the 99 remaining "things" will definitely keep me occupied during the next 2.75 years!

Now onto the real purpose of this entry. If you know much about me (or have read some of my earlier articles), you will know that one of my biggest weaknesses is a mix of jealousy and comparison. It comes in spurts. One minute I'll be fine with my life, and the next I feel like I don't make enough money, don't have a good enough job, don't have enough friends, etc. And then later, I will see a news story about job losses, or abusive relationships and I will feel blessed about my life. Sometimes I feel like a ping pong ball. I believe that all humans go through this to an extent, but sometimes it is so bad that it can suck the total enjoyment out of my life...diminish my new mantra of living to live.

A few weeks ago, I read an article entitled "Life's Enough: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others", which touches on this exact subject. I'd like to include an excerpt:

Let’s say I take a look at someone who creates amazing artwork and really top-notch podcasts on their website … and I look at my art and video skills, and realize that I don’t come close to measuring up. In fact, I look pretty pitiful (I’m a lousy drawer and don’t know anything about video).

But wait a minute: it’s not a fair comparison. Just because I don’t measure up doesn’t mean I should get out of the blogging business, or that I should get depressed or jealous or resentful. Instead, if I looked at my strengths — writing useful and honest posts — I can see that I have a lot to offer, a lot to be happy about.

And that’s so important — being able to look at your own strengths, and see your true value. It’s actually one of the keys to success, because without this ability, you will be unmotivated, and won’t believe in yourself.

That is so true... I do often make very unfair comparisons. I'll compare myself financially to a lawyer, or compare myself professionally to someone who has been in the field for much longer and has a much more significant amount of education. It's just unfair and it doesn't have a positive affect on anyone, especially me. And in addition to making me unhappy with what I have, it also sometimes keeps me from getting to know others without pre-judging them. If I feel they are better than me, or have something I don't, I have a certain resentment for them before I even get to know them. I hate that SO MUCH!

So my two-part resolution to start delving into this frustration is this:

1) Any time I feel myself starting to compare or become jealous, I want to be conscious of what is happening and mentally say "stop it". I want to stop comparison in its tracks!

2) Rather than compare myself to others, I want to get to know them first. I want to learn from them instead of getting frustrated at what they have and allowing that to prevent me from expanding my horizons.

I would encourage all of you to read this article and to enjoy every day. Live to live and love what you've been given! I'd like to end with a perfect quote from the song "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" by Baz Luhrmann:

"Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself."